What I Learned When My Greatest Fears Came True

When I was younger, even as much as two years ago, if you asked me what the major trials of my life were I would have struggled to come up with something. Now, I feel like the trials just keep coming one after another. And the thing is, these trials I'm facing are all the fulfillment of my greatest fears.

When I graduated from college, my greatest fear was not being able to find a full-time job--that happened.

As I grew older, my greatest fear was that one (or both) of my parents would pass away before I got married--that happened.

Each of these trials has come with a lot of different emotions. When I finished up my summer internship at Cedar Fort last year and moved back home without a job and without any prospects, I felt terrified. Every few minutes I would refresh the job boards online, knots in my stomach, and hope for something to be there. As the days wore on into weeks, and then the weeks gave way to months, my fear and stress and worries escalated. Eventually I went back to Deseret Book as a part-time employee and although I was grateful for the job, I felt embarrassed to go back to part-time, retail work after graduating. The anxiety got so bad that my hair started to fall out and I lost weight without trying simply because I felt so sick all the time.

Then at the end of November my dad collapsed and at the beginning of December he passed away. My whole world was thrown upside down. After he passed, I spent a lot of time trying not to think about what a disappointment I must have been. There was so much I wished I could have given to my dad--having he see me get a full-time job and become a "real" adult; having him see me get married; giving him grandchildren to love and dote on; etc. So many regrets. My feelings of being a failure escalated.

But during both of these trials--waiting for a full-time job and having my dad pass away--I learned and grew a lot. As my mom, sister, and I sat beside my dad's bed at the hospital every day for almost a week, I suddenly felt very grateful that I didn't have a full-time job. My co-workers at Deseret Book were great about covering my shifts and I was able to spend that time with my family, something that would have been difficult if I had that full-time job I'd been pining after for so long. Suddenly, not being offered a job in Provo right after my internship felt like a blessing because I was able to be home the night Dad collapsed and help my mom and sister. I can't imagine getting a phone call about that and then having to drive two hours back to Ogden not knowing what was happening.

Suddenly, I could see that the thing I feared most at the time--not having a full-time job--was actually a blessing in disguise. My Heavenly Father knew that my Dad was going to collapse. He knew that I would need to be home with my family. He knew I'd need to have a flexible job. As my perspective of the situation shifted, I came to know for myself that Jesus Christ really does "know the end from the beginning" (Abraham 2:8) and that His promise that "therefore my hand shall be over thee" (Abraham 2:8) were true. I felt his hand over me every day when Dad was in the hospital and every day since. The fact that He loved me enough to let my greatest fear come true in order to give me more time with my dad is a blessing I can't even measure.

Those two experiences taught me so much about Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. With them, I'd not only had to two of my greatest fears, but I came out of them alive. I was still alive, despite not having a full-time job. I still had moments of laughter and joy, even though my dad was no longer physically with me. Despite all my fear and worry about what would happen if my fears came true, I wasn't destroyed when the worst-case scenario became reality. In fact, I was growing. A lot. My faith and testimony of Jesus Christ and His gospel and the Plan of Salvation became near unshakable. My trust in Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father gave me peace and surety through my difficulties. I became a different person from the fearful, doubtful girl I was a year ago.

Which is why when a couple weeks ago I was laid off from my first full-time job only six months after starting, I didn't feel afraid. This confidence kind of surprised me, considering how nerve-wracking and stressful my job search from a year ago was. The growth and change in myself became completely apparent to me, being faced with the same worst-case scenario twice within a year, but having such a different reaction.

Still, I felt disappointed and sad losing my first full-time job. This feeling also surprised me because the job had never been a great fit for me and I'd been actively looking for another job anyway when I finally got the news I was being laid off. But, I knew where to turn for comfort and direction facing this new obstacle.

I climbed into bed and pulled out my scriptures. My goal was to read 1 chapter from the Book of Mormon every day and at that time I was in Jacob 5, which is the SUPER long chapter (6-ish pages and 70-something verses) about the tame and wild olive trees. That night, that's the last thing I felt like reading. So instead I closed my eyes, flipped through the pages of my Book of Mormon a few times, and randomly turned to a chapter to read that night.

The chapter I turned to was Mosiah 24. A few words in the header, summarizing the chapter, immediately caught my attention. It said, "The Lord makes their burdens seem light."

I realized that this was the chapter where Alma and his people are in bondage and being persecuted by Amulon. The scriptures say that "So great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God," at which point Amulon declares that "whosoever should be found calling upon God should be put to death." In response to this threat, the people don't stop praying, but they pray in their hearts to God.

As I read this chapter about the persecution of Alma and his people, I thought about my own situation. Being without a job is would be a burden. Which is why the Lord's reply to the people of Alma's prayers caught my attention:

"And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I , the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."

The words on the page began to blur together as tears filled my eyes. In that moment, I knew God was speaking to me. I knew that everything would be okay. Although being without an income would be hard, the Lord was promising me that he would ease my burden. And the last bit of the verse was what he wanted me to do in the meantime. Stand as a witness of Him.

That's what spurred me to write this blog post today. Over the past year, I've had my share of difficulties and trials. But I can testify that the Lord truly does visit us in our afflictions. Now, I don't know what your afflictions are. But I do know that whatever you're going through, whatever your greatest fear might be, the Lord will uplift and strengthen you if you turn to Him. Study the scriptures as you seek answers. Pray to Him. Study the scriptures and seek answers and direction. He's there! He will answer and help us as we seek Him.

I hope you all have a great week. I'm actually off to an interview for a job with Deseret Book, but this time in their corporate offices. Wish me luck!