What I Learned When My Greatest Fears Came True

When I was younger, even as much as two years ago, if you asked me what the major trials of my life were I would have struggled to come up with something. Now, I feel like the trials just keep coming one after another. And the thing is, these trials I'm facing are all the fulfillment of my greatest fears.

When I graduated from college, my greatest fear was not being able to find a full-time job--that happened.

As I grew older, my greatest fear was that one (or both) of my parents would pass away before I got married--that happened.

Each of these trials has come with a lot of different emotions. When I finished up my summer internship at Cedar Fort last year and moved back home without a job and without any prospects, I felt terrified. Every few minutes I would refresh the job boards online, knots in my stomach, and hope for something to be there. As the days wore on into weeks, and then the weeks gave way to months, my fear and stress and worries escalated. Eventually I went back to Deseret Book as a part-time employee and although I was grateful for the job, I felt embarrassed to go back to part-time, retail work after graduating. The anxiety got so bad that my hair started to fall out and I lost weight without trying simply because I felt so sick all the time.

Then at the end of November my dad collapsed and at the beginning of December he passed away. My whole world was thrown upside down. After he passed, I spent a lot of time trying not to think about what a disappointment I must have been. There was so much I wished I could have given to my dad--having he see me get a full-time job and become a "real" adult; having him see me get married; giving him grandchildren to love and dote on; etc. So many regrets. My feelings of being a failure escalated.

But during both of these trials--waiting for a full-time job and having my dad pass away--I learned and grew a lot. As my mom, sister, and I sat beside my dad's bed at the hospital every day for almost a week, I suddenly felt very grateful that I didn't have a full-time job. My co-workers at Deseret Book were great about covering my shifts and I was able to spend that time with my family, something that would have been difficult if I had that full-time job I'd been pining after for so long. Suddenly, not being offered a job in Provo right after my internship felt like a blessing because I was able to be home the night Dad collapsed and help my mom and sister. I can't imagine getting a phone call about that and then having to drive two hours back to Ogden not knowing what was happening.

Suddenly, I could see that the thing I feared most at the time--not having a full-time job--was actually a blessing in disguise. My Heavenly Father knew that my Dad was going to collapse. He knew that I would need to be home with my family. He knew I'd need to have a flexible job. As my perspective of the situation shifted, I came to know for myself that Jesus Christ really does "know the end from the beginning" (Abraham 2:8) and that His promise that "therefore my hand shall be over thee" (Abraham 2:8) were true. I felt his hand over me every day when Dad was in the hospital and every day since. The fact that He loved me enough to let my greatest fear come true in order to give me more time with my dad is a blessing I can't even measure.

Those two experiences taught me so much about Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. With them, I'd not only had to two of my greatest fears, but I came out of them alive. I was still alive, despite not having a full-time job. I still had moments of laughter and joy, even though my dad was no longer physically with me. Despite all my fear and worry about what would happen if my fears came true, I wasn't destroyed when the worst-case scenario became reality. In fact, I was growing. A lot. My faith and testimony of Jesus Christ and His gospel and the Plan of Salvation became near unshakable. My trust in Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father gave me peace and surety through my difficulties. I became a different person from the fearful, doubtful girl I was a year ago.

Which is why when a couple weeks ago I was laid off from my first full-time job only six months after starting, I didn't feel afraid. This confidence kind of surprised me, considering how nerve-wracking and stressful my job search from a year ago was. The growth and change in myself became completely apparent to me, being faced with the same worst-case scenario twice within a year, but having such a different reaction.

Still, I felt disappointed and sad losing my first full-time job. This feeling also surprised me because the job had never been a great fit for me and I'd been actively looking for another job anyway when I finally got the news I was being laid off. But, I knew where to turn for comfort and direction facing this new obstacle.

I climbed into bed and pulled out my scriptures. My goal was to read 1 chapter from the Book of Mormon every day and at that time I was in Jacob 5, which is the SUPER long chapter (6-ish pages and 70-something verses) about the tame and wild olive trees. That night, that's the last thing I felt like reading. So instead I closed my eyes, flipped through the pages of my Book of Mormon a few times, and randomly turned to a chapter to read that night.

The chapter I turned to was Mosiah 24. A few words in the header, summarizing the chapter, immediately caught my attention. It said, "The Lord makes their burdens seem light."

I realized that this was the chapter where Alma and his people are in bondage and being persecuted by Amulon. The scriptures say that "So great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God," at which point Amulon declares that "whosoever should be found calling upon God should be put to death." In response to this threat, the people don't stop praying, but they pray in their hearts to God.

As I read this chapter about the persecution of Alma and his people, I thought about my own situation. Being without a job is would be a burden. Which is why the Lord's reply to the people of Alma's prayers caught my attention:

"And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I , the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."

The words on the page began to blur together as tears filled my eyes. In that moment, I knew God was speaking to me. I knew that everything would be okay. Although being without an income would be hard, the Lord was promising me that he would ease my burden. And the last bit of the verse was what he wanted me to do in the meantime. Stand as a witness of Him.

That's what spurred me to write this blog post today. Over the past year, I've had my share of difficulties and trials. But I can testify that the Lord truly does visit us in our afflictions. Now, I don't know what your afflictions are. But I do know that whatever you're going through, whatever your greatest fear might be, the Lord will uplift and strengthen you if you turn to Him. Study the scriptures as you seek answers. Pray to Him. Study the scriptures and seek answers and direction. He's there! He will answer and help us as we seek Him.

I hope you all have a great week. I'm actually off to an interview for a job with Deseret Book, but this time in their corporate offices. Wish me luck!

Lessons From A Naughty First Grader

My sister Allison teaches first grade and this year she has quite a naughty class. Every day when she comes home from work I ask how it was and how naughty the kids were. Usually she has several stories to share that makes me shake my head in disbelief.

One student in particular--let's call him Jay--is very naughty, but also has his very sweet moments. Over the past year it's become apparent that Jay is kind-hearted, but he has trouble controlling himself.

The other day Allison told me something Jay had said. During the school year he had ripped up his journal and now that school is almost out, the other kids are getting to take their journals home. Seeing what he had missed out on by ripping up his journal,Jay told Allison, "I hope I don't rip up my journal next year in second grade."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes and said, "He hopes he doesn't rip up his journal? You're in charge of yourself, dude! Nobody's going to make you rip it up."

Well today I sat in church thinking about my week and feeling disappointed in myself. I've fallen back into some bad habits and felt really discouraged with the lack of progress in my life. Why do I keep doing this? I thought. Why can't I seem to change? I wish I could change.

Then Jay came to my mind and it clicked. I was thinking the exact same way he was and coming up with the same excuse. I keep hoping to change; hoping to overcome my bad habits; hoping to achieve my goals; etc. But what am I doing to make those changes happen? When temptation to fall back into old patterns come along, do I resist or do I give in? Do I take responsibility for my actions and learn from my mistakes or do I distance myself from responsibility by thinking, This is just how I am. I hope someday it will change.

I need to take more responsibility for myself and my actions (or inactions). I need to look in the mirror anytime I find myself thinking I hope this happens to me or, I hope someday I'll achieve this dream will come true and say, "You're in charge of yourself, dude!" If I really want to change my habits or if I really want something to happen in my life, I need to do my part to make it happen.

This week I'm going to make things happen to become the person I want to be and I hope this has somehow inspired you to try a little harder to be a little better too. Let's make this week great!

A Few Midnight Memories of My Papa

It's 1 a.m. on a Thursday night (or technically Friday morning). We're coming up on 5 months since Dad died. It's so surreal to think about. But tonight I was working on a scene in one of my books and the scene sparked a memory. So I wanted to share and remember.

I don't remember how old I was. Probably 6 or 7. I'd been playing outside and somehow got a splinter on the heel of my foot. It hurt. So, of course I went to my parents. Mom and Dad got out the tweezers and sat me down in a kitchen chair. They tried to pull the splinter out, but it hurt, so I cried and screamed and refused to let them touch it any further. I was a stubborn child, so eventually they let me go to bed with the splinter still in.

After I'd gone to bed and was almost asleep, I remember my Dad quietly entering my room. He knelt by my bed and lightly slipped my injured foot out from beneath the covers and went to work with a flashlight to get the splinter out. I drifted off to sleep and don't think I was awake when he finally got it.

I actually wrote that memory into the scene I'm working on. Who knows if it will actually make it through editing, but at least I've got it memorialized here on the blog if it doesn't.

Then a few days ago I cleaned up my desk and took a picture. I like to share the evolution of my desk on social media. So I shared this picture on Instagram tonight.

On the far right you'll see a candy bowl with my Dad's name on it. I made that for him when he got his new job at Draper City. It was supposed to look kind of Doctor Who-ish and spacey. I used glow in the dark paint for the stars. But I told him that I was giving him a candy bowl so that everyone would want to come visit his office.

Then, you'll also see a Tardis and the 11th Doctor. So that Tardis belonged to my Dad too. When we went to Las Vegas a couple years ago as a family we went to TV City and watched a pilot episode. As part of our compensation for doing that, we were given a fifteen dollar gift certificate to their gift shop. That Tardis is what my Dad chose to buy with his gift certificate. He took it to work and kept it on his desk there.

So I gave him the 11th Doctor as a present to go with his Tardis. He never took it to work. I think it actually stayed in his closet. He was probably too embarrassed to have something like that up. Haha.

But after he died, that candy bowl, the Tardis, and the Doctor were the only things of his I really wanted. And now they live on my desk as a reminder and almost a tribute to him.

Anyway, those were just a few memories and thoughts I figured I could share tonight. Little stories like these mean a lot to me, because it's little moments that made me love my dad so much.

Enjoy the little moments with those you love this week!

It's Okay To Not Be Okay

With all my family and I have been going through the past couple months, a lot of people will ask "How are you guys doing?"

Most of the time my answer is the same. "It depends on the day." Sometimes it depends on the hour. On the minute.

A couple of weeks ago I came home from work exhausted. Work had been fine. I'd enjoyed a good day with good coworkers and customers. But I just felt sad. It was a couple days after the one month anniversary of my dads death. It was also a week after the New Year had been rung in and the festivities died down. Thoughts of how I was going to survive the coming year filled my head. One month had gone by fast in some ways and agonizingly slow in others. And, fast or slow, realizing I'd been one month without my dad sucked.

As I climbed in to bed that night, I pulled out my scriptures and got ready to read. One of my New Year's Resolutions is to read my scriptures every single day in 2017. There's a fancy little sticker chart on my wall dedicated to the effort. And so far, I've done a good job.

But that night, I just wasn't feeling it. I tried to read the scriptures for the upcoming Gospel Doctrine lesson, but the words my eyes were skimming over wouldn't stick. My mind kept wandering back to dad. One month without him. A million months more to go.

Finally, after one verse, I closed my scriptures, curled up in a ball, and placed my head on my pillow. Instead of fighting them, I let myself feel the emotions that were muddling my mind. Ever since I was a child I've learned about God's plan of happiness for His children. And I believe in that plan. My mind knew where dad was, that I would see him again. But the knowledge didn't dim the ache in my heart or stop my thoughts from racing ahead to the future where my dad would be absent. All that he would miss. All that I never got to give him. Getting my first full-time job, buying a house, getting married, having children.

I keep a scripture study journal to record my thoughts and impressions as I read. That night I wrote, "Lord, this is all I have to offer you tonight--a girl who's sad & missing her dad."

Still, I didn't want to give up on my scripture study. I didn't have much to offer the Lord, but maybe he would have something to offer me. So I opened up my scriptures again and continued on reading the suggested verses for Sunday School. These were the verses.

Doctrine & Covenants 93:33

Alma 11:43-44

Doctrine & Covenants 76: 50-70 (But specifically verse 63)

The Spirit filled my heart and quickened my mind as I read these verses. Not only did I understand that what I'd been experiencing was part of Gods plan, but I felt the truthfulness of it. The beauty of it. That last verse, Doctrine & Covenants 76:63, especially struck me. I imagined the Second Coming of the Savior, and envisioned not only my dad, but my Grandma's and Grandpa's as angels sent to herald in that awesome moment.

Suddenly, a specific painting came to mind. One I never really paid attention to or liked all that much,to be honest. But after studying those scriptures, this painting took on a whole new meaning. It meant hope. It meant happiness. It meant a day I could look forward to seeing my dad, perfect and healthy and happy.

This is The Second Coming by Harry Anderson. The next day I bought a copy from work and hung it next to my desk. It's become a reminder to me of the hope the Atonement and the plan of salvation bring. I like to imagine my dad will be one of those blowing the horn, sounding the trumpets to let the world know the Savior's returned.

Here is what I learned that night:

It's okay to not be okay.

That night, I felt sad and broken and lonely. I didn't have any hope or happiness or enthusiasm to give the Lord. No positive quote to post to Facebook or happy thought to tweet out. But as I took a moment to be still and let myself experience my emotions, I felt relief. Then I was able to go on and have an amazing scripture study experience that gave me exactly what I needed.

In this age of social media, when every one shares the best parts of their lives, it's easy to feel that there is something wrong with us when we don't feel happy. We shy away from any negative emotion, sometimes going so far as to pretend they don't exist. We may feel like sadness is a sign we don't have enough faith, or that we have done something wrong. I know I've felt that way on more than one occasion.

But I've come to realize that feeling sad is a part of life. An important part. We can't go through life expecting to enjoy only highs and believing that lows are Gods form of punishment. Pain, regret, sorrow, sadness--all are vital parts of our mortal experience. We don't have to shy away, or close off, or ignore these feelings.

Jesus Christ himself was "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief." (Isaiah 53:3) He doesn't expect us to feel "up" all the time by pushing away negative feelings and replacing them with fake optimism or happiness. In fact, ignoring or pushing away the sadness, disappointment, and heartache life will inevitably bring, will limit the Savior's ability to help us. It is an act of faith to let ourselves experience these emotions, trusting that the Lord will fulfill his promise to "succor his people according to their infirmities." (Alma 7:12)

I'll repeat that:

It is an act of faith to let ourselves experience these emotions, trusting that the Lord will fulfill his promise to "succor his people according to their infirmities."

Remember the movie Inside Out and the lesson Riley learns at the end?

Sadness serves a purpose in helping us make it through the difficult times in life.



It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to have moments when you feel broken and tired. I can testify that it is in those moments we truly feel the Lord's love and comfort. It's also in these moments that we grow and become stronger.

Don't run away from the unpleasant moments and feelings in your life. Rather, I hope that in such moments all of us will run to the Savior.

Life Can Change In A Heartbeat

The past month has been hard.

For those who don't know, my dad collapsed on November 28, 2016. We still aren't really sure why. He didn't have a heart attack or a stroke. His heart just stopped. Mom and I did CPR on him while Allison talked to 911. The paramedics arrived & took over CPR. I couldn't watch, so I knelt down in the kitchen and prayed. Eventually, after what felt like forever, they took him to the hospital where they got his heart beating on its own. But he still wasn't breathing by himself, so they put him on a ventilator and admitted him to the ICU.

He spent a week in the ICU with the doctors running all sorts of tests. During that week, it slowly became apparent that my dad wasn't going to wake up. And even if by some miracle he did, he wouldn't have much of a life. He just had too much brain damage from lack of oxygen during CPR. So on December 5, 2016 we made the difficult decision to take him off the ventilator. He passed away quickly and peacefully, which I'm very grateful for.

His funeral was on December 9, a week after his 60th birthday. The funeral was lovely and I felt so much peace and comfort from it. My mom wanted the song Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer sung, so some talented ladies from her ward sang the arrangement I wrote. That was special.

As I look back on the past month or so, I'm not sure what to think or feel. Mostly, it still doesn't feel real. It feels like Dad is just on a long business trip and he will be home soon. Sometimes I come home from work and see his car in the driveway and think, 'Oh, Dad's home!' Other times, I'll be on my computer and someone will walk down the hall and I'll have the fleeting thought, 'It's dad.' I wonder if I'll always have moments like that, even ten or twenty years from now. Part of me hopes I do.

Looking back on the last few weeks before Dad collapsed, I feel grateful for the time we spent together. He was my movie/TV watching buddy and was the only one who I could sometimes convince to watch a Korean drama with me. We went to see Doctor Strange together the day after Thanksgiving. Then one day when I was running out the door to go up to the ICU, I grabbed the jacket I'd worn to the movie and found our two ticket stubs in the pocket. That was a tender mercy. We'd also been watching The Blacklist together on Netflix, and the night he collapsed we'd watched an episode and discussed our theories about the show and what would happen. I still haven't been able to bring myself to watch the next episode and find out if we were right.

But I also look back and feel incredible guilt and regret. The night he collapsed, I was on my computer with my headphones in and didn't want to be disturbed by the world. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in myself, if I'd taken the time to ask how he was feeling, would things have turned out differently? I can't let myself dwell on those thoughts for too long. Things happened the way they happened, and asking "What if" won't change them.

Doing CPR on my dad that night, I just thought, 'This isn't what I imagined I'd be doing tonight.' In life, I think all of us get into our routines: wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch Netflix, go to bed. Rinse and repeat. There's nothing wrong with this. We're creatures of habit and we like life to be predictable.

But life can change in a heartbeat. For any of us.

However, something I've learned and felt to be truer each day is that these changes are often God's way of shaking us awake, helping us grow and stretch.

One day I stayed home from the ICU while my mom and sister went to visit Dad. I needed some time alone to process and cry and pray and seek comfort. I found a talk by Richard G. Scott called Trust in the Lord and one line struck my heart like lightning.

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain."

As soon as I read that, I started to sob. The Lord felt I was prepared to grow more, even though I didn't feel prepared at all. But reading that line, I knew the Lord hadn't forgotten me or forsaken me. In fact, I felt more strongly than ever that He had a plan for me. He had faith in my ability to become better through this trial, and that knowledge gave me strength and hope. It still gives me strength and hope.

I know I'm not the only person in the world experiencing sorrow, disappointment, regret, pain . . . Whether those feelings come from the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of faith, or life just not going the way you planned, I think every person reading this can relate to those emotions. But for me, some of the sweetest spiritual experiences of my life have come as I've acknowledged those feelings and taken them to my Heavenly Father and my Savior. They have provided peace and comfort beyond words.

Life can change in a heartbeat. I'm still processing this change in my life and I anticipate many more hard times ahead. But, I want to stay close to the Lord through it all, through every emotion and experience this trial is going to bring.

To whoever may read this, no matter what you may be going through, know that I believe in your ability to grow through the hard times in life. Especially if you turn to the Lord and let Him shape you. He has the ability to turn every sorrow and regret, every pain and disappointment into an experience for our good.

I hope you all have a wonderful 2017! This year I want to blog more and share some of my thoughts. And while those thoughts might not always be cohesive or make sense, I hope they can help someone. I'll write again soon.

-Erin