I've been re-reading one of my favorite books the past couple of days, The Girl Who Could Fly by Victoria Forester.
Midterms are next week and surprisingly enough I had no readings due for my classes tomorrow, so I read this again. This is hands-down one of my favorite books. Might even be my favorite.
A lot of times I feel exactly like Piper McCloud. The first time I read this book I was going through a weird situation in my life and I identified with Piper. I felt like outside forces were constantly conspiring to keep me down. I felt like I could fly, like I had this potential for greatness, that wasn't understood or accepted by others. Honestly, I still feel that way a lot. And just like Piper I felt for a long time that I couldn't trust myself or my own heart. These are feelings I still struggle with, almost on a daily basis.
So during this reading all those thoughts and feelings started coming back, along with some new ones since my life has changed a lot since the first time I read this book. Lately I've been trying to find my passion and thinking a lot about my dreams and aspirations. Lots of the time I don't feel like I'm really good for much--I'm not as talented as so-and-so, I'm not as pretty as so-and-so, I don't do ______ as well as so-and-so. I feel like there's nothing that makes me special or unique. And in the past things that I thought were talents, things that I thought were real and true and right, ended up falling through. And so, eventually I ended up feeling like Piper. "If [I] couldn't trust other people and [I] couldn't trust my own heart, then there was nothing left to believe in and trust."
That's when I started to give up on myself and my dreams. Clearly my dreams were stupid, or irrational, or all of a million other negative things. I felt pretty cynical and stupid. I've always been self conscious. Ever since I was young. I remember one day sitting at my friends house when I was in elementary school, probably second or third grade. My friend was outside playing with some other kids and I had action figures and was playing with them at my friends kitchen table. I remember feeling really worried that someone would walk in and see me playing. And when her mom walked in to do the dishes I stopped playing. I didn't want her to think I was stupid for playing, for having an imagination.
So, this is something I've struggled with for a long time. That's why I'm always so quiet around new people. I don't want people to think I'm stupid. Better to be thought mysterious than stupid and get made fun of. Better to let people think I'm weak and take pity on me. Cause when people pity you they're nice to you. They might not be your friends, but they're nice. I guess I must just have this really convoluted way of thinking, and I've just barely started to unravel myself to myself and make progress on fixing these flaws in my thinking.
For a long time I was ashamed to tell people about my dreams. That I want to be an author. I want to write. I've always felt like people look down on authors and writers, or really any sort of artist. Maybe this is true, or maybe it's not, but I feel like most of the general population doesn't approve of artists until they become validated. People think someone who doesn't hold a steady job but spends most of their time writing books or poetry, or painting, or making music is a slacker and a dead weight to society. That is, until they write a New York Times Bestseller or sell their work to a fancy gallery, or become the next big thing in the music world. People, I think, generally feel art is unimportant and a waste of time unless the world recognizes and appreciates it. That's why I think (and I can't speak for everyone) as an artist I feel so insecure about myself. If I don't do something great than I'm a nothing; If other people don't approve, I'm just wasting my time and being unproductive.
But that's a totally false way of thinking. I was reading Ralph Waldo Emerson's The Poet and came across this line. "Words are also actions, and actions are a kind of words." And I realized that while other people's way of changing the world might be opening a business or doing construction or working in an office or teaching, my way is words, writing. Writing is my way of acting. When I want to tell someone I love them, or do something special for them, I write. I write them a letter or a story or a poem. My mom kept a letter I wrote her when I was little. At the time I wanted a mini fridge in my room. In that letter I detailed why she should buy me a fridge, the benefits it would give, etc. Basically it was a persuasive essay letter. I can't even count how many notes and cards I've written to my family. It's proof that writing has always been how I've acted. And if other people don't appreciate it, who cares?
And then tonight, I had an epiphany--a thought so beautiful that it moved me to tears and made me want to write this blog post (which I realize is getting pretty long, thanks for bearing with me). As I got to the final pages of The Girl Who Could Fly I looked up at the clock and realized that two hours had gone by in what felt like two minutes. That's when the thought came: "Reading and writing bring me to a place where time can't seem to touch me. I think that's what love does--it stops time." And that's when I started crying. I started remembering when I was writing my first book and how I would come home from school, sit at the computer, and write for hours and hours on end. The feeling of total peace and joy that made time stop. It's a feeling that I love more than anything. It's the feeling of knowing I'm where I belong, doing what I was born to do. Piper feels that way about flying. I feel that way about reading and writing.
Then I got to thinking about my Savior, Jesus Christ. He died so I might live. His love literally stops time. Time doesn't matter when you have the Savior on your side. With Jesus Christ eternity is mine. And best of all it's an eternity filled with incomprehendible love, joy, and happiness where I'll be surrounded by my loved ones. Time can't touch those relationships. As the hymn Be Still My Soul puts it, "Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored."
I have a talent and a passion for writing. Rather than stifling myself with thoughts of worry about what others think, I'm going to write. People can think it's weird and abnormal and a waste of time or any of a million other negative things. But I don't care. I know the truth.
Never, for a second, doubt yourself or what you're capable of. We each have divine talents and gifts given to us to bless others and ourselves. Your gifts aren't the same as mine and mine aren't the same as yours. But that's the beauty of it. You have something wonderful and special that can bless someone else. It's something only you can do. I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for Victoria Forester for writing The Girl Who Could Fly. Because of her gift and talent for writing and telling her particular story, I've been so blessed. Every time I read it I feel like there's nothing I can't do. And that's another wonderful thing about finding and believing in your talents. When you do so, you unconsiously give others permission to do the same. They draw strength from your example.
Thanks for reading this. It's kind of personal and kind of long and kind of random. But I truly believe it. Love stops time. Find what you love and never let it go. I'll just leave you with a couple thoughts for you to chew on. Thanks again for reading.
"Doubt not, O poet, but persist. Say, 'It is in me, and shall out.' Stand there, baulked and dumb, stuttering and stammering, hissed and hooted, stand and strive, until, at last, rage draw out of thee that dream-power which every night shows thee is thine own; a power transcending all limit and privacy, and by virtue of which a man is the conductor of the whole river of electricity."--R.W. Emerson, The Poet
"If you don't choose the road you're gonna walk, sooner or later someone else'll do that choosing for you."-- The Girl Who Could Fly
"In self-trust all of the virtues are comprehended."-- R.W. Emerson, The American Scholar
"Little is to be expected of that day, if it can be called a day, to which we are not awakened by our Genius, but by the mechanical nudgings of some servitor, are not awakened by our own newly-acquired force and aspirations from within...to a higher life than we fell asleep from."--Henry David Thoreau, Walden
I'm going to choose my own road, no matter what others may think. I'm going to trust myself and seek every day to live by my Genius and the power within me. I hope you'll all do the same. :)
