Life for me has been pretty good, I'd say. At the beginning of January, I started working at George Washington High School. So far, I'm really enjoying the kids there and my co-workers. I finished my application for Weber State's MA program and now just get to play the waiting game. My friends and I were spontaneous and decided to go see the Backstreet Boys in Las Vegas during President's Day weekend, which was a blast! And then, I've been writing and reading a ton too. Overall, I just feel like I'm in a pretty good place in life right now.
For the past year, my life seemed to be in constant motion with a million changes and personal struggles always swirling around or looming over me. I felt like my head was always underwater and I was constantly struggling to get a breath. But now that I have a plan for the future and a stable situation in the present, I can finally breathe again. The storm clouds have dissipated for the moment. I'm surrounded by clear, blue sky and am feeling really good.
With this calm and contentedness, my thoughts have turned a lot to the future and the past. As I've thought and reflected on a few things, I felt like I wanted to share what I've learned here on the blog. So, here we go!
LOT'S WIFE
In church last Sunday, we had a lesson about Lot's wife. It's a well-known story. Lot and his family are told to leave the city of Sodom because it's going to be destroyed. They're told not to look back, but Lot's wife does and she's turned into a pillar of salt.
Ouch.
In this lesson, my friend Melissa shared a talk by Elder Holland called "Remember Lot's Wife: Faith Is For the Future." Something that stuck out to me during the lesson was that phrase: "Faith is for the future." So, when I went home and decided to read the talk, I was excited to see that phrase was actually in the title! What are the odds?
I think the reason this phrase stuck out to me so much is that I've been kind of nervous about my future. As excited as I am to go to grad school, it's still a scary prospect to me. The week before this lesson, I kept wondering if I was doing the right thing by going back to school. I wondered if I've got what it takes to succeed in a rigorous Master's Program, not to mention my ambitious plans for afterward. I was afraid.
(P.S. Anyone else notice how often I get hung up by fear on this blog? You think the Lord's trying to teach me something about "be[ing] not afraid" and "only believe[ing]?" lol)
After speaking about some of the reasons Lot's wife may have looked back, Elder Holland shares this insight, followed by his conclusion of why Lot's wife looked back:
"The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had."
Did you catch that?
Lot's wife didn't have faith and "she doubted the Lord's ability to give her something better than she already had."
Part of my doubts about going to grad school stem from the worry that it will all be in vain. That I'll put in all this time and effort and money into furthering my education and it won't lead me anywhere better. I worry that I'll always be underemployed and struggle finding work. I worry that a Master's degree won't change anything.
So, I asked myself, "Do I believe the Lord can give me something better than I already have? Do I believe He will?
I want to believe. I'm trying to believe. That's why I applied to grad school, despite my fears. I'm taking steps into the dark, believing that it will all pay off somehow. That the Lord will lead me somewhere better than I am right now, as long as I don't become afraid and turn back, like Lot's wife. Instead, I want to be filled with faith and . . .
Don't you just love Meet the Robinsons?
LOTS IN LIFE
In my Book of Mormon reading, I'm in Alma. I'm at the part that's probably every missionary's favorite: Ammon and King Lamoni. Ammon was the OG missionary who undoubtedly had the coolest stories to write home to his family on p-day. Cuttin' off arms, preaching with power, and converting a King and his people--what's not to like?
And me, I like it just fine. Reading about Ammon always takes me back to my own days as a missionary. I remember receiving training in a Zone Meeting about how to be a better missionary by studying how Ammon taught King Lamoni. I remember highlighting all the verses and thinking how cool Ammon was and how much faith he had to have to receive the kind of miracles he saw.
But . . .
I never felt like an Ammon on my mission. In fact, as I was reading about Ammon, a lot of old feelings of inadequacy and guilt resurfaced. The truth is, both while on my mission and since returning home, I wondered if I was a good missionary. I didn't see many baptisms. I didn't have a lot of success converting people. A lot of times I would think "What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why aren't I seeing more success?" I felt bad for my companions, being stuck with someone like me, a black hole.
So, the other night, I was reading Alma 20. All the arm cutting is over. Ammon has taught and testified with the Spirit. King Lamoni and his people are converted (well, most of them). And in chapter 20, the Lord calls Ammon to go to Middoni where his brethren have been cast into prison for preaching. They, obviously, hadn't had the same success as Ammon did. I could relate.
As I read the chapter, nothing really stuck out to me or struck me until the very end, where Ammon's brethren are finally freed. They look like they've been through hell, but verse 29 says "nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings."
My heart stirred.
And then I read the first sentence of the last verse, verse 30. "And, as it happened, it was their lot to have fallen into the hands of a more hardened and a more stiff-necked people."
It was their lot. . .
Having had "Lot" on the brain, this caught my attention. So, I decided to string together the two sentences that had stood out to me.
"It was their lot . . . nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings."
I thought back to my mission. What was my "lot" on my mission? Maybe my lot wasn't to see the immense successes that Ammon or some of the other missionaries saw. Maybe, instead, my lot was to be more like Ammon's brethren. To suffer hard things, to learn patience, to have faith that someday the miracles would come.
And the miracles eventually did come for Ammon's brethren after they left Middoni, as they pushed forward and kept preaching.
That's when it hit me. Sometimes our failures and trials aren't "because I'm a bad missionary" or "because I'm not smart enough" or "because I'm not righteous enough." Sometimes, it's simply our lot. The hand we've been dealt.
But, like Ammon's brethren, when we can't change our circumstances, we can know that the Lord is looking for how we bear our suffering more than He is looking for a certain result. A "success."
Suddenly, I didn't feel so bad about being like Ammon's brethren.
That same night, I decided to look up the word "lot" in the Bible Dictionary. It lead me to Proverbs 16:33, but I like verse 32 too. They say:
"32-He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city. 33- The lot is cast into the lap; but the whole disposing thereof is of the Lord."
What I took from those verses is this: The Lord hands out (disposes) the lots. But our reaction is what's important. It's more important than any temporal or worldly measure of success, like being mighty or conquering a city. Rather, are we being patient? Are we striving to rule our spirits? That's what the Lord is looking for, when seeing how we react to the lots he gives us.
THE LESSON
"That's a lot of 'lots,' Erin," you might be saying. Yeah, I know. Lots and lots of lots in my studies this week.
But, it's kind of perfect how they all tie together. Lot's wife didn't have faith in the future. She didn't think the Lord would lead her somewhere better than where she was coming from, so she turned back. A decision which killed her.
On the other hand, if we have faith in the future, if we believe in "good things to come" and move forward despite our doubts or worries, we gain the perspective and patience to endure whatever our trials or sufferings--our lots--may be. It's this continual journeying (which Lot's wife didn't want to do) that helps us grow and become more like Jesus Christ, who promised that "whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." (Matthew 16:25)
Whatever trials or doubts or worries you may have right now, I hope this blog post helped give you some encouragement. Have faith. Be patient. Don't lose hope in the promises we have through Jesus Christ. I'll be doing the same.
