Giving Up

Hi all! It's been a while since I wrote a blog post. . . A long, long while actually. 8 months. Yikes!

Life has been crazy. I'm in grad school now and also working and teaching. It's been fun, but also very difficult. This week is Thanksgiving Break, however, so I'm using the time to catch up on schoolwork and also get some writing done. Which is why you're getting this blog post finally!

I've had a few ideas of what to write about over the past 8 months, but can I be honest? This blog has kind of turned into me sharing gospel lessons that I learn or that are on my mind. And for the past little while, my heart hasn't been in the gospel. I think part of it was me getting busy, but another part was me wanting to give up. So, I've been slowly running away from God for a while and am now slowly trying to get my heart back in the right place.

That might be surprising for a lot of people reading this to hear. But, I think about giving up A LOT--giving up the gospel, giving up at school, giving up at work, sometimes even giving up living altogether. Because sometimes life and how hard and unfair and daunting and unpredictable it just gets me feeling hopeless and discouraged. So I just want to run away. Burn all my bridges. Start over. Or just stop completely.

A lot of times, giving up seems like a very efficient solution to all my problems.

But, even though I've been running from God, He still hasn't given up on me. And so, despite wanting to give up and go live under a rock where I can never fail or feel ever again, I keep trying because God gives me encouragement (and sometimes chastisement) when I feel like quitting.

A few weeks ago I was feeling particularly low. It was a Sunday and I was in sacrament meeting thinking about all the things I needed to get done that week, all the things I wished I could do instead, and just generally feeling sorry for myself. So, I pulled out my phone, opened up the Gospel Library app, and searched "giving up." I was hoping to find something to encourage me not to abandon all my responsibilities. Instead, what I found surprised me.

There were a few results that referenced giving up the way I was looking for:

"Never give up--however deep the wounds of your soul, whatever their source, wherever or whenever they happen, and however short or long they persist. . . "--Neil L. Andersen

"If you are tempted to give up: Stay yet a little longer. There is room for you here."--Dieter F. Uchtdorf

But, the overwhelming majority of the search results were about a different kind of giving up.

". . . Yea, what shall I do that I may be born of God, having this wicked spirit rooted out of my breast, and receive his Spirit, that I may be filled with joy, that I May not be cast off at the last day? Behold, said he, I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy."--Alma 22:15

"Conversion includes a conscious decision to give up one’s former ways and change to become a disciple of Christ."--Conversion

“… After his mortal ministry, Christ elevated the law of sacrifice to a new level. … Instead of the Lord requiring a person’s animal or grain, now the Lord wants us to give up all that is ungodly. This is a higher practice of the law of sacrifice; it reaches into the inner soul of a person.”--Old Testament Gospel Doctrine Teacher's Manual

"We all have to give up something in order to accept the gospel of Jesus Christ--whether that be bad habits, incorrect beliefs, unwholesome associations, or something else."--Come, Follow Me

I realized that the Lord has a different idea/definition of giving up that's prevalent in the scriptures and throughout the gospel. God wants us to give up. He wants us to give up those things that separate us from Him and keep us from becoming like Him. He wants us to give up the natural man and let Him make us something holy.
He wants us to give up our struggles, sorrows, grief, and burdens to Him. Because He knows this is the only way we can be healed and sanctified.

God and Satan both want us to give up, but they want it in very different ways. Satan's giving up is steeped in discouragement, doubt, and fear. God's giving up is centered on faith in Jesus Christ, hope through the Atonement, and love. But, as in all things, we get to choose who we'll follow and believe when it comes to giving up.

I don't think I'm the only person who has given into and still struggles with Satan's way of giving up. But, ever since I realized and recognized that there are two ways to think about giving up--Satan's or God's--I've been able to confront the desire I have to give up in a new way. Whenever I feel myself being tempted to give up out of fear or stress or worry, I now think that maybe I'd be happier if I gave God's way of giving up a try.

That's partly why I'm writing this blog post. This is my attempt at starting to change and return to God. To give up in God's way.

It's my hope that this post can help others who may want to give up in the wrong way. Try giving your hurt, pain, anger, sins, fear, doubt--whatever is making you want to run away--to God. That's what I want to start doing. I think I'll be happier and find more peace and joy that way. If those are things you feel like you need more of in your life too, give it a try with me.

Thanks for reading! I'm trying to get back into writing for fun again, so more blog posts may be coming. We'll see.

Have a great week and a Happy Thanksgiving!

Lots, Life, and Lessons

Hey guys! I hope 2018 is treating you well so far.

Life for me has been pretty good, I'd say. At the beginning of January, I started working at George Washington High School. So far, I'm really enjoying the kids there and my co-workers. I finished my application for Weber State's MA program and now just get to play the waiting game. My friends and I were spontaneous and decided to go see the Backstreet Boys in Las Vegas during President's Day weekend, which was a blast! And then, I've been writing and reading a ton too. Overall, I just feel like I'm in a pretty good place in life right now.

For the past year, my life seemed to be in constant motion with a million changes and personal struggles always swirling around or looming over me. I felt like my head was always underwater and I was constantly struggling to get a breath. But now that I have a plan for the future and a stable situation in the present, I can finally breathe again. The storm clouds have dissipated for the moment. I'm surrounded by clear, blue sky and am feeling really good.

With this calm and contentedness, my thoughts have turned a lot to the future and the past. As I've thought and reflected on a few things, I felt like I wanted to share what I've learned here on the blog. So, here we go!

LOT'S WIFE

In church last Sunday, we had a lesson about Lot's wife. It's a well-known story. Lot and his family are told to leave the city of Sodom because it's going to be destroyed. They're told not to look back, but Lot's wife does and she's turned into a pillar of salt.

Ouch.

In this lesson, my friend Melissa shared a talk by Elder Holland called "Remember Lot's Wife: Faith Is For the Future." Something that stuck out to me during the lesson was that phrase: "Faith is for the future." So, when I went home and decided to read the talk, I was excited to see that phrase was actually in the title! What are the odds?

I think the reason this phrase stuck out to me so much is that I've been kind of nervous about my future. As excited as I am to go to grad school, it's still a scary prospect to me. The week before this lesson, I kept wondering if I was doing the right thing by going back to school. I wondered if I've got what it takes to succeed in a rigorous Master's Program, not to mention my ambitious plans for afterward. I was afraid.

(P.S. Anyone else notice how often I get hung up by fear on this blog? You think the Lord's trying to teach me something about "be[ing] not afraid" and "only believe[ing]?" lol)

After speaking about some of the reasons Lot's wife may have looked back, Elder Holland shares this insight, followed by his conclusion of why Lot's wife looked back:

"The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had."

Did you catch that?

Lot's wife didn't have faith and "she doubted the Lord's ability to give her something better than she already had."

Part of my doubts about going to grad school stem from the worry that it will all be in vain. That I'll put in all this time and effort and money into furthering my education and it won't lead me anywhere better. I worry that I'll always be underemployed and struggle finding work. I worry that a Master's degree won't change anything.

So, I asked myself, "Do I believe the Lord can give me something better than I already have? Do I believe He will?

I want to believe. I'm trying to believe. That's why I applied to grad school, despite my fears. I'm taking steps into the dark, believing that it will all pay off somehow. That the Lord will lead me somewhere better than I am right now, as long as I don't become afraid and turn back, like Lot's wife. Instead, I want to be filled with faith and . . .

Don't you just love Meet the Robinsons?

LOTS IN LIFE

In my Book of Mormon reading, I'm in Alma. I'm at the part that's probably every missionary's favorite: Ammon and King Lamoni. Ammon was the OG missionary who undoubtedly had the coolest stories to write home to his family on p-day. Cuttin' off arms, preaching with power, and converting a King and his people--what's not to like?

And me, I like it just fine. Reading about Ammon always takes me back to my own days as a missionary. I remember receiving training in a Zone Meeting about how to be a better missionary by studying how Ammon taught King Lamoni. I remember highlighting all the verses and thinking how cool Ammon was and how much faith he had to have to receive the kind of miracles he saw.

But . . .

I never felt like an Ammon on my mission. In fact, as I was reading about Ammon, a lot of old feelings of inadequacy and guilt resurfaced. The truth is, both while on my mission and since returning home, I wondered if I was a good missionary. I didn't see many baptisms. I didn't have a lot of success converting people. A lot of times I would think "What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why aren't I seeing more success?" I felt bad for my companions, being stuck with someone like me, a black hole.

So, the other night, I was reading Alma 20. All the arm cutting is over. Ammon has taught and testified with the Spirit. King Lamoni and his people are converted (well, most of them). And in chapter 20, the Lord calls Ammon to go to Middoni where his brethren have been cast into prison for preaching. They, obviously, hadn't had the same success as Ammon did. I could relate.

As I read the chapter, nothing really stuck out to me or struck me until the very end, where Ammon's brethren are finally freed. They look like they've been through hell, but verse 29 says "nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings."

My heart stirred.

And then I read the first sentence of the last verse, verse 30. "And, as it happened, it was their lot to have fallen into the hands of a more hardened and a more stiff-necked people."

It was their lot. . .

Having had "Lot" on the brain, this caught my attention. So, I decided to string together the two sentences that had stood out to me.

"It was their lot . . . nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings."

I thought back to my mission. What was my "lot" on my mission? Maybe my lot wasn't to see the immense successes that Ammon or some of the other missionaries saw. Maybe, instead, my lot was to be more like Ammon's brethren. To suffer hard things, to learn patience, to have faith that someday the miracles would come.

And the miracles eventually did come for Ammon's brethren after they left Middoni, as they pushed forward and kept preaching.

That's when it hit me. Sometimes our failures and trials aren't "because I'm a bad missionary" or "because I'm not smart enough" or "because I'm not righteous enough." Sometimes, it's simply our lot. The hand we've been dealt.

But, like Ammon's brethren, when we can't change our circumstances, we can know that the Lord is looking for how we bear our suffering more than He is looking for a certain result. A "success."

Suddenly, I didn't feel so bad about being like Ammon's brethren.

That same night, I decided to look up the word "lot" in the Bible Dictionary. It lead me to Proverbs 16:33, but I like verse 32 too. They say:

"32-He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city. 33- The lot is cast into the lap; but the whole disposing thereof is of the Lord."

What I took from those verses is this: The Lord hands out (disposes) the lots. But our reaction is what's important. It's more important than any temporal or worldly measure of success, like being mighty or conquering a city. Rather, are we being patient? Are we striving to rule our spirits? That's what the Lord is looking for, when seeing how we react to the lots he gives us.

THE LESSON

"That's a lot of 'lots,' Erin," you might be saying. Yeah, I know. Lots and lots of lots in my studies this week.

But, it's kind of perfect how they all tie together. Lot's wife didn't have faith in the future. She didn't think the Lord would lead her somewhere better than where she was coming from, so she turned back. A decision which killed her.

On the other hand, if we have faith in the future, if we believe in "good things to come" and move forward despite our doubts or worries, we gain the perspective and patience to endure whatever our trials or sufferings--our lots--may be. It's this continual journeying (which Lot's wife didn't want to do) that helps us grow and become more like Jesus Christ, who promised that "whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." (Matthew 16:25)

Whatever trials or doubts or worries you may have right now, I hope this blog post helped give you some encouragement. Have faith. Be patient. Don't lose hope in the promises we have through Jesus Christ. I'll be doing the same.

What A Year: A Review of My 2017

Goodbye, 2017!

It's been a crazy year full of ups and downs for me. Honestly, it hasn't been easy. I try and keep up a pretty brave face, but 2017 kicked my butt. I've questioned myself and God's purpose and plan for me a lot. I lost my confidence, something I'm still struggling to regain. But, I've also been humbled and in my weakness have felt God lift me up and carry me through.

All that said, I want this post to be sort of my accounting for 2017. I love looking back on my goals from last New Year's and seeing how I did before setting new goals for the coming year. So today I'm going to share some of my goals for 2017 and how I did on them. Then in another post I'll share my goals for the New Year. Let's get started!

NEW EXPERIENCES

One of my favorites goals I set for 2017 was to try something new every month. After my dad died, I felt so strongly the need to live my life to the fullest and get out of comfort zone. I hold myself back from a lot of things I want to do or try because of fear. This goal was meant to help me push past that fear and gain confidence. And it was a great goal for me! Here's the breakdown of the new things I tried each month in 2017.

January - Ate sushi for the first time.

February - Started a new job as a copywriter at Sunplay.

March- Flew a kite for the first time in YEARS.

April- Made cheesecake for the first time!

May- Entered a contest to win a trip to the Pyeongchang Olympics. I didn't win, unfortunately, but it was still fun and strangely enough gave me a much needed vision lift.

June- Learned to make curry.

July- Tried go-kart racing for the first time.

August- Started volunteering as a piano player at Ogden Regional.

September- Submitted an article to the Ensign magazine. Also, went to my first REAL game.

October- Was hired by Soompi and got my first article published. (You can check out all my articles by clicking here.)

November- Got bangs.

December- Did a Facebook live of playing the piano with my mom.

So, see! I did things this year! Even though almost nothing else went the way I was expecting in 2017, at least I can point to this list and say "But, I did get to experience a lot of new things."

READING GOAL

Another goal I met this year was my reading goal! In 2016 I set a goal to read 32 books during the year. I didn't make it in 2016, so I renewed the goal for 2017 and this year I did it! I read 32 books. A couple of the more memorable reads of the year were:

Do you have any recommendations for books I should read in 2018?

DAILY SCRIPTURE READING

One of my spiritual goals for the year was to read something from the scriptures every day. I even bought a fancy, year-long sticker chart to help me keep track. This one was kind of hit and miss. Sometimes I would just read 1 verse so I could put a sticker on my chart for the day before slipping into bed. But, hey. That's one more scripture than I would have read without the goal. Here's a look at how the chart looked after 1 year.

AND . . . MY NOT SO SUCCESSFUL GOALS . . .

Even though I'm proud of how well I did on some of my goals, there are others that did not go very well. Like my goal to attend the temple 8 times . . . I ended up going 3. I mean, that's not AWFUL, but it's far from where I want to be. Especially as someone who has a temple 10 minutes from her house and usually has plenty of free time. Improving my temple worship is definitely something I want to work on in 2018.

And then there was my goal to have a perfect Visiting Teaching record in 2017. HA! Yeah, I didn't do so great with that one either.

Then, I also had a goal to study a different topic every quarter by reviewing my college textbooks and subjects I was interested in. That didn't happen. I mean, I might have done it for the first week of 2017, but then that just fell away.

I think I might have bitten off a little more than I could chew with all my goals for 2017.

But, I will not give up on my goal-setting and achieving efforts, even if I'm not perfect. If there's anything 2017 taught me, it's the value of getting back up when you stumble or fall. I'm doing my best to stand up inside and not let my mistakes or failures or imperfections keep me down.

MOVING FORWARD

I'm going to sit down tomorrow and officially set my goals for 2018. If any of you are looking to set some goals for the new year, I highly recommend "Go for it!" by Elder Ballard. This is a talk I've loved for years and gives some great advice and thoughts about setting goals and learning how to reach those goals. Knowledge which I desperately need.

Thanks for reading this! Thank you for caring about me enough to read this and for supporting me! I hope the New Year brings you hope and happiness.

And to 2017: BYE! I won't miss you!

via GIPHY