It's Okay To Not Be Okay

With all my family and I have been going through the past couple months, a lot of people will ask "How are you guys doing?"

Most of the time my answer is the same. "It depends on the day." Sometimes it depends on the hour. On the minute.

A couple of weeks ago I came home from work exhausted. Work had been fine. I'd enjoyed a good day with good coworkers and customers. But I just felt sad. It was a couple days after the one month anniversary of my dads death. It was also a week after the New Year had been rung in and the festivities died down. Thoughts of how I was going to survive the coming year filled my head. One month had gone by fast in some ways and agonizingly slow in others. And, fast or slow, realizing I'd been one month without my dad sucked.

As I climbed in to bed that night, I pulled out my scriptures and got ready to read. One of my New Year's Resolutions is to read my scriptures every single day in 2017. There's a fancy little sticker chart on my wall dedicated to the effort. And so far, I've done a good job.

But that night, I just wasn't feeling it. I tried to read the scriptures for the upcoming Gospel Doctrine lesson, but the words my eyes were skimming over wouldn't stick. My mind kept wandering back to dad. One month without him. A million months more to go.

Finally, after one verse, I closed my scriptures, curled up in a ball, and placed my head on my pillow. Instead of fighting them, I let myself feel the emotions that were muddling my mind. Ever since I was a child I've learned about God's plan of happiness for His children. And I believe in that plan. My mind knew where dad was, that I would see him again. But the knowledge didn't dim the ache in my heart or stop my thoughts from racing ahead to the future where my dad would be absent. All that he would miss. All that I never got to give him. Getting my first full-time job, buying a house, getting married, having children.

I keep a scripture study journal to record my thoughts and impressions as I read. That night I wrote, "Lord, this is all I have to offer you tonight--a girl who's sad & missing her dad."

Still, I didn't want to give up on my scripture study. I didn't have much to offer the Lord, but maybe he would have something to offer me. So I opened up my scriptures again and continued on reading the suggested verses for Sunday School. These were the verses.

Doctrine & Covenants 93:33

Alma 11:43-44

Doctrine & Covenants 76: 50-70 (But specifically verse 63)

The Spirit filled my heart and quickened my mind as I read these verses. Not only did I understand that what I'd been experiencing was part of Gods plan, but I felt the truthfulness of it. The beauty of it. That last verse, Doctrine & Covenants 76:63, especially struck me. I imagined the Second Coming of the Savior, and envisioned not only my dad, but my Grandma's and Grandpa's as angels sent to herald in that awesome moment.

Suddenly, a specific painting came to mind. One I never really paid attention to or liked all that much,to be honest. But after studying those scriptures, this painting took on a whole new meaning. It meant hope. It meant happiness. It meant a day I could look forward to seeing my dad, perfect and healthy and happy.

This is The Second Coming by Harry Anderson. The next day I bought a copy from work and hung it next to my desk. It's become a reminder to me of the hope the Atonement and the plan of salvation bring. I like to imagine my dad will be one of those blowing the horn, sounding the trumpets to let the world know the Savior's returned.

Here is what I learned that night:

It's okay to not be okay.

That night, I felt sad and broken and lonely. I didn't have any hope or happiness or enthusiasm to give the Lord. No positive quote to post to Facebook or happy thought to tweet out. But as I took a moment to be still and let myself experience my emotions, I felt relief. Then I was able to go on and have an amazing scripture study experience that gave me exactly what I needed.

In this age of social media, when every one shares the best parts of their lives, it's easy to feel that there is something wrong with us when we don't feel happy. We shy away from any negative emotion, sometimes going so far as to pretend they don't exist. We may feel like sadness is a sign we don't have enough faith, or that we have done something wrong. I know I've felt that way on more than one occasion.

But I've come to realize that feeling sad is a part of life. An important part. We can't go through life expecting to enjoy only highs and believing that lows are Gods form of punishment. Pain, regret, sorrow, sadness--all are vital parts of our mortal experience. We don't have to shy away, or close off, or ignore these feelings.

Jesus Christ himself was "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief." (Isaiah 53:3) He doesn't expect us to feel "up" all the time by pushing away negative feelings and replacing them with fake optimism or happiness. In fact, ignoring or pushing away the sadness, disappointment, and heartache life will inevitably bring, will limit the Savior's ability to help us. It is an act of faith to let ourselves experience these emotions, trusting that the Lord will fulfill his promise to "succor his people according to their infirmities." (Alma 7:12)

I'll repeat that:

It is an act of faith to let ourselves experience these emotions, trusting that the Lord will fulfill his promise to "succor his people according to their infirmities."

Remember the movie Inside Out and the lesson Riley learns at the end?

Sadness serves a purpose in helping us make it through the difficult times in life.



It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to have moments when you feel broken and tired. I can testify that it is in those moments we truly feel the Lord's love and comfort. It's also in these moments that we grow and become stronger.

Don't run away from the unpleasant moments and feelings in your life. Rather, I hope that in such moments all of us will run to the Savior.