Growing Up

Hi everybody! It's been a while since I blogged, so I figured I'd update for those of you who actually read this. :)

Lately I've become even more aware of how many flaws I have. Generally I try not to focus on my flaws, because I get really sad and discouraged when I think about how much I need to change. That's what brought about my 12 month plan last year. I'm only human, but these past few months I've just been in this funk. Things in my life haven't exactly gone the way I thought they would. Not that it's bad, but it's hard when you have had all your hopes and dreams set on something that doesn't happen and maybe never will.

Before writing this post I went back and read some of my posts through the last year. I just feel like I'm not the same person I was back then, but maybe in a bad way. I don't feel as faithful and happy as I was back then.

But there comes a time when, despite all the disappointment and confusion (maybe even bitterness) that you just have to move on. I can't live in the past, nor would I choose to. I wouldn't change my experiences I've had, but I'd change how I reacted to them. I could have been more faithful and trusting rather than letting myself slip down a few rungs on my spiritual ladder. I want to not only get back to the level of happiness and spirituality I was at before--I want to exceed it.

The frustrating thing for me is that I was in such a good place. I was happier than I'd ever been. I was so sure of my future and so firm in my faith. And now instead of just being there again, I have to climb back up and the pace feels so agonizingly slow. Why can't I just be back where I was?

But the important thing isn't how fast I'm climbing, but the fact that I'm trying. I'm climbing and making progess, however slow. Some days are better than others. But through it all I have the Savior by my side. I know He's felt my frustration and knows exactly what I'm going through. But not only does e know exactly what I'm going through (because He's been there), He knows exactly how to help me get through it.

I know that much of my unhappiness comes from my flaws, my own choices. When I choose to have that second (third, fourth) helping and then end up crying later that night because of regret. When I spend more money on the internet than I do paying for books for school. When I choose to stay awake until four in the morning and end up feeling so guilty because of my weaknesses and lack of control over myself.

It's time for me to grow up and stop living in the past. I've been working on getting my bad habits under control, but I still have a long way to go before I'll be back to where I was before. I have goals, it's just following through with them and having self discipline that I need to work on. It's having the courage and praying for the strength to face my daily demons. It's having faith in my Savior and learning to trust again.

I have a long way to go, but I know that with the help of my Savior I can do the things necessary to change. I can change and become better. I can do hard things. I can find happiness. I deserve happiness. The Savior will walk with me through the valleys and help me climb the peaks.

That's really what has been on my mind lately. I want to become better and reach my potential through self-mastery. Here's a nice talk by James E. Faust I found on the subject. Have a great week everybody! Fighting! :)

P.S. This post sounds kind of doom-and-gloom, doesn't it? Though I've been having a hard time lately, I've also been happy. I entered a contest online where I sang a cover of a Korean song. Hopefully I'll win something, but if I don't it was fun anyway. I've been writing a lot and reading and hanging out with my friends and family. I've been legitimately learning Korean (어떻게 지내십니까? 제 이름은 에린입니다. 샌드위치 싶은데요. I really did just type all that.) Life really has been good! :)

P.P.S. I'm all signed up for classes for fall semester and am super excited! I'm taking 3 English classes and a History class plus a couple Institute classes. I'm taking a songwriting class . . . So excited! It should be good. :)