It's 1 a.m. on a Thursday night (or technically Friday morning). We're coming up on 5 months since Dad died. It's so surreal to think about. But tonight I was working on a scene in one of my books and the scene sparked a memory. So I wanted to share and remember.
I don't remember how old I was. Probably 6 or 7. I'd been playing outside and somehow got a splinter on the heel of my foot. It hurt. So, of course I went to my parents. Mom and Dad got out the tweezers and sat me down in a kitchen chair. They tried to pull the splinter out, but it hurt, so I cried and screamed and refused to let them touch it any further. I was a stubborn child, so eventually they let me go to bed with the splinter still in.
After I'd gone to bed and was almost asleep, I remember my Dad quietly entering my room. He knelt by my bed and lightly slipped my injured foot out from beneath the covers and went to work with a flashlight to get the splinter out. I drifted off to sleep and don't think I was awake when he finally got it.
I actually wrote that memory into the scene I'm working on. Who knows if it will actually make it through editing, but at least I've got it memorialized here on the blog if it doesn't.
Then a few days ago I cleaned up my desk and took a picture. I like to share the evolution of my desk on social media. So I shared this picture on Instagram tonight.
On the far right you'll see a candy bowl with my Dad's name on it. I made that for him when he got his new job at Draper City. It was supposed to look kind of Doctor Who-ish and spacey. I used glow in the dark paint for the stars. But I told him that I was giving him a candy bowl so that everyone would want to come visit his office.
Then, you'll also see a Tardis and the 11th Doctor. So that Tardis belonged to my Dad too. When we went to Las Vegas a couple years ago as a family we went to TV City and watched a pilot episode. As part of our compensation for doing that, we were given a fifteen dollar gift certificate to their gift shop. That Tardis is what my Dad chose to buy with his gift certificate. He took it to work and kept it on his desk there.
So I gave him the 11th Doctor as a present to go with his Tardis. He never took it to work. I think it actually stayed in his closet. He was probably too embarrassed to have something like that up. Haha.
But after he died, that candy bowl, the Tardis, and the Doctor were the only things of his I really wanted. And now they live on my desk as a reminder and almost a tribute to him.
Anyway, those were just a few memories and thoughts I figured I could share tonight. Little stories like these mean a lot to me, because it's little moments that made me love my dad so much.
Enjoy the little moments with those you love this week!
With all my family and I have been going through the past couple months, a lot of people will ask "How are you guys doing?"
Most of the time my answer is the same. "It depends on the day." Sometimes it depends on the hour. On the minute.
A couple of weeks ago I came home from work exhausted. Work had been fine. I'd enjoyed a good day with good coworkers and customers. But I just felt sad. It was a couple days after the one month anniversary of my dads death. It was also a week after the New Year had been rung in and the festivities died down. Thoughts of how I was going to survive the coming year filled my head. One month had gone by fast in some ways and agonizingly slow in others. And, fast or slow, realizing I'd been one month without my dad sucked.
As I climbed in to bed that night, I pulled out my scriptures and got ready to read. One of my New Year's Resolutions is to read my scriptures every single day in 2017. There's a fancy little sticker chart on my wall dedicated to the effort. And so far, I've done a good job.
But that night, I just wasn't feeling it. I tried to read the scriptures for the upcoming Gospel Doctrine lesson, but the words my eyes were skimming over wouldn't stick. My mind kept wandering back to dad. One month without him. A million months more to go.
Finally, after one verse, I closed my scriptures, curled up in a ball, and placed my head on my pillow. Instead of fighting them, I let myself feel the emotions that were muddling my mind. Ever since I was a child I've learned about God's plan of happiness for His children. And I believe in that plan. My mind knew where dad was, that I would see him again. But the knowledge didn't dim the ache in my heart or stop my thoughts from racing ahead to the future where my dad would be absent. All that he would miss. All that I never got to give him. Getting my first full-time job, buying a house, getting married, having children.
I keep a scripture study journal to record my thoughts and impressions as I read. That night I wrote, "Lord, this is all I have to offer you tonight--a girl who's sad & missing her dad."
Still, I didn't want to give up on my scripture study. I didn't have much to offer the Lord, but maybe he would have something to offer me. So I opened up my scriptures again and continued on reading the suggested verses for Sunday School. These were the verses.
The Spirit filled my heart and quickened my mind as I read these verses. Not only did I understand that what I'd been experiencing was part of Gods plan, but I felt the truthfulness of it. The beauty of it. That last verse, Doctrine & Covenants 76:63, especially struck me. I imagined the Second Coming of the Savior, and envisioned not only my dad, but my Grandma's and Grandpa's as angels sent to herald in that awesome moment.
Suddenly, a specific painting came to mind. One I never really paid attention to or liked all that much,to be honest. But after studying those scriptures, this painting took on a whole new meaning. It meant hope. It meant happiness. It meant a day I could look forward to seeing my dad, perfect and healthy and happy.
This is The Second Coming by Harry Anderson. The next day I bought a copy from work and hung it next to my desk. It's become a reminder to me of the hope the Atonement and the plan of salvation bring. I like to imagine my dad will be one of those blowing the horn, sounding the trumpets to let the world know the Savior's returned.
Here is what I learned that night:
It's okay to not be okay.
That night, I felt sad and broken and lonely. I didn't have any hope or happiness or enthusiasm to give the Lord. No positive quote to post to Facebook or happy thought to tweet out. But as I took a moment to be still and let myself experience my emotions, I felt relief. Then I was able to go on and have an amazing scripture study experience that gave me exactly what I needed.
In this age of social media, when every one shares the best parts of their lives, it's easy to feel that there is something wrong with us when we don't feel happy. We shy away from any negative emotion, sometimes going so far as to pretend they don't exist. We may feel like sadness is a sign we don't have enough faith, or that we have done something wrong. I know I've felt that way on more than one occasion.
But I've come to realize that feeling sad is a part of life. An important part. We can't go through life expecting to enjoy only highs and believing that lows are Gods form of punishment. Pain, regret, sorrow, sadness--all are vital parts of our mortal experience. We don't have to shy away, or close off, or ignore these feelings.
Jesus Christ himself was "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief." (Isaiah 53:3) He doesn't expect us to feel "up" all the time by pushing away negative feelings and replacing them with fake optimism or happiness. In fact, ignoring or pushing away the sadness, disappointment, and heartache life will inevitably bring, will limit the Savior's ability to help us. It is an act of faith to let ourselves experience these emotions, trusting that the Lord will fulfill his promise to "succor his people according to their infirmities." (Alma 7:12)
I'll repeat that:
It is an act of faith to let ourselves experience these emotions, trusting that the Lord will fulfill his promise to "succor his people according to their infirmities."
Remember the movie Inside Out and the lesson Riley learns at the end?
Sadness serves a purpose in helping us make it through the difficult times in life.
It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to have moments when you feel broken and tired. I can testify that it is in those moments we truly feel the Lord's love and comfort. It's also in these moments that we grow and become stronger.
Don't run away from the unpleasant moments and feelings in your life. Rather, I hope that in such moments all of us will run to the Savior.
For those who don't know, my dad collapsed on November 28, 2016. We still aren't really sure why. He didn't have a heart attack or a stroke. His heart just stopped. Mom and I did CPR on him while Allison talked to 911. The paramedics arrived & took over CPR. I couldn't watch, so I knelt down in the kitchen and prayed. Eventually, after what felt like forever, they took him to the hospital where they got his heart beating on its own. But he still wasn't breathing by himself, so they put him on a ventilator and admitted him to the ICU.
He spent a week in the ICU with the doctors running all sorts of tests. During that week, it slowly became apparent that my dad wasn't going to wake up. And even if by some miracle he did, he wouldn't have much of a life. He just had too much brain damage from lack of oxygen during CPR. So on December 5, 2016 we made the difficult decision to take him off the ventilator. He passed away quickly and peacefully, which I'm very grateful for.
His funeral was on December 9, a week after his 60th birthday. The funeral was lovely and I felt so much peace and comfort from it. My mom wanted the song Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer sung, so some talented ladies from her ward sang the arrangement I wrote. That was special.
As I look back on the past month or so, I'm not sure what to think or feel. Mostly, it still doesn't feel real. It feels like Dad is just on a long business trip and he will be home soon. Sometimes I come home from work and see his car in the driveway and think, 'Oh, Dad's home!' Other times, I'll be on my computer and someone will walk down the hall and I'll have the fleeting thought, 'It's dad.' I wonder if I'll always have moments like that, even ten or twenty years from now. Part of me hopes I do.
Looking back on the last few weeks before Dad collapsed, I feel grateful for the time we spent together. He was my movie/TV watching buddy and was the only one who I could sometimes convince to watch a Korean drama with me. We went to see Doctor Strange together the day after Thanksgiving. Then one day when I was running out the door to go up to the ICU, I grabbed the jacket I'd worn to the movie and found our two ticket stubs in the pocket. That was a tender mercy. We'd also been watching The Blacklist together on Netflix, and the night he collapsed we'd watched an episode and discussed our theories about the show and what would happen. I still haven't been able to bring myself to watch the next episode and find out if we were right.
But I also look back and feel incredible guilt and regret. The night he collapsed, I was on my computer with my headphones in and didn't want to be disturbed by the world. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in myself, if I'd taken the time to ask how he was feeling, would things have turned out differently? I can't let myself dwell on those thoughts for too long. Things happened the way they happened, and asking "What if" won't change them.
Doing CPR on my dad that night, I just thought, 'This isn't what I imagined I'd be doing tonight.' In life, I think all of us get into our routines: wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch Netflix, go to bed. Rinse and repeat. There's nothing wrong with this. We're creatures of habit and we like life to be predictable.
But life can change in a heartbeat. For any of us.
However, something I've learned and felt to be truer each day is that these changes are often God's way of shaking us awake, helping us grow and stretch.
One day I stayed home from the ICU while my mom and sister went to visit Dad. I needed some time alone to process and cry and pray and seek comfort. I found a talk by Richard G. Scott called Trust in the Lord and one line struck my heart like lightning.
"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain."
As soon as I read that, I started to sob. The Lord felt I was prepared to grow more, even though I didn't feel prepared at all. But reading that line, I knew the Lord hadn't forgotten me or forsaken me. In fact, I felt more strongly than ever that He had a plan for me. He had faith in my ability to become better through this trial, and that knowledge gave me strength and hope. It still gives me strength and hope.
I know I'm not the only person in the world experiencing sorrow, disappointment, regret, pain . . . Whether those feelings come from the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of faith, or life just not going the way you planned, I think every person reading this can relate to those emotions. But for me, some of the sweetest spiritual experiences of my life have come as I've acknowledged those feelings and taken them to my Heavenly Father and my Savior. They have provided peace and comfort beyond words.
Life can change in a heartbeat. I'm still processing this change in my life and I anticipate many more hard times ahead. But, I want to stay close to the Lord through it all, through every emotion and experience this trial is going to bring.
To whoever may read this, no matter what you may be going through, know that I believe in your ability to grow through the hard times in life. Especially if you turn to the Lord and let Him shape you. He has the ability to turn every sorrow and regret, every pain and disappointment into an experience for our good.
I hope you all have a wonderful 2017! This year I want to blog more and share some of my thoughts. And while those thoughts might not always be cohesive or make sense, I hope they can help someone. I'll write again soon.
These past few weeks I've been feeling pretty depressed and down on myself. I've felt like a pretty useless human being, not being able to find a "real" job since graduating college. And I thought, "I haven't written a song for a while. Maybe I should do that."
Well, I didn't write Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, but it is one of my all-time favorite LDS Hymns. And since I've never been able to find an arrangement I liked of it, I decided to try arranging it myself. This is the end result and I think it turned out really well.
Even though I haven't been feeling the best about myself or my situation in life, arranging this hymn was a good reminder for me that the Savior is in control of all things. He will bind up the broken hearts and help us through our trials as we turn to Him. I hope this arrangement can help all of us feel that truth a little more in our lives.
Sheet Music is available here: http://freeldssheetmusic.org/song/Precious-Savior-Dear-Redeemer-Vocal-Solo-by-Erin-Guy
Every Sunday while I'm in church and I catch my mind wandering, it's always wandering to the same place--What am I going to make for dinner? As a single woman living alone, I get to make whatever I want without worrying about if other people will like it. If I have the ingredients and I think it sounds yummy, I'm going to try it.
I haven't always been this way. No, it's only been since living on my own that I've discovered how much I like to experiment with food. It also helped that I spent a good solid week at my internship just looking at cooking blogs. I know, it was a sweet gig.
But since my internship is coming to an end and I'll probably be moving back to home to Ogden soon, I need to start using up all the food I've acquired and I need to use it within the next couple weeks.
Today I thought about all the chicken breasts I had in the freezer. What can I make in with chicken tonight? I thought.
My go-to since living on my own is barbecue chicken. Thaw the chicken, grill it up in a sauce pan on the stove, put some barbecue sauce on it, and serve with a baked potato. Super easy! But this week I was lazy and didn't buy potatoes. I did, however, have Pillsbury Crescent Roll dough.
Ever since my mission, when a member of the church made this yummy dessert with cream cheese, strawberries, and crescent roll dough, I always make sure to have a can on hand. It's really simple to whip up a filling (for breakfast I do jam & cream cheese, for dessert I do chocolate sauce, chocolate chips, & cream cheese) and bake. But I'd never made a dinner filling.
Why not? I thought. So, I spent the rest of the church meeting planning what I'd make.
First, I filled a pot of water (enough to cover 2 chicken breasts) and put it on the stove. Next I added two frozen chicken breasts (because who has time for thawing?) and cranked up the heat. I figured they could thaw while the water warmed up. It took probably 40 minutes for them to cook all the way through, which was fine. I just watched Netflix at the kitchen counter while keeping my eye on the chicken.
When the chicken was cooked I took it out and shredded the breasts with a fork. Then I added my favorite barbecue sauce to the bowl (I love Sweet Baby Ray's Raspberry Chipotle Barbecue Sauce. Side story: I had never tried it, but the girl whose apartment I'm living in for the summer while she's away, had some in the fridge. So one day I tried it, and now I'm hooked. Don't worry, I bought her a new bottle and one for myself too. ;) Once the sauce and chicken were mixed I placed it in the fridge so the chicken could soak up some of that yummy raspberry chipotle flavor.
After a few hours, when I was starting to get hungry, I pulled out the chicken and put it in a sauce pan with a little more than half a block of cream cheese. As I was stirring it together, I started to get worried. Here's my disclaimer: I am not a professional or experienced chef by any means. But I am an avid watcher of Chopped, so I heard the judges voices in my head going, That's a rookie mistake, barbecue sauce and cream cheese. This will cost Chef Erin dearly at the chopping block.
But once the cream cheese was melted, I finally decided to try it. And can I just say . . . It was yummy! Sweet, but with a little kick thanks to the chipotle. Have you ever had jalepeno jam with cream cheese on a cracker? That's what this tasted like, but with chicken! Then I added salt and pepper (because, aren't you always supposed to add that? For flavor or whatever?) and set it aside.
After that it was just a matter of adding a generous helping of filling to each crescent roll, and then baking for 15 minutes at 350.
How delicious do those look! I just ate mine with a side of carrots, but you could pair it with chips, a salad, chocolate cake . . . You know, whatever.;) These are also great to eat on-the-go for a quick meal.
So, there ya go! Quick & Easy Barbecue Cream Cheese Chicken Wrap-ups! Thanks for indulging me & letting me try my hand at food blogging. XD Maybe I'll post more ideas in the future.
Barbecue Cream Cheese Chicken Wrap-ups Recipe
Ingredients
-2 Chicken Breasts
-1 pckg Pillsbury Crescent Rolls
-Barbecue Sauce of Your Choice (I used Sweet Baby Ray's Raspberry Chipotle Barbecue Sauce)
-1/2 pckg Cream Cheese
-Salt & Pepper to taste
1. Cook chicken breasts and shred.
2. Mix in 1 cup barbecue sauce until chicken is coated. Set aside in fridge to marinate a couple hours.
3. Place chicken mixture in sauce pan over medium-high heat. Add cream cheese.
4. When cream cheese is melted and chicken is hot, add salt & pepper to taste.
5. Follow crescent roll instructions for pre-heating oven.
6. Open crescent rolls & lay out on baking pan. Add heaping spoonful of chicken mixture to each roll, then carefully roll up. (P.S. The chicken doesn't have to be completely wrapped--it's okay if it sticks out the sides. Those pieces just get crispy and delicious.)
I had kind of an embarrassing moment over the 4th of July weekend. I basically had an emotional meltdown with weeks of pent-up stress spilling out for my whole family and our 4th of July guests to see. I was shaking and screaming and fighting with people I love. Eventually, I had to just walk off by myself around the block to release some of the insane energy that had possessed me. It helped a little, but I still felt angry and like I might shatter into a million pieces.
It wasn't my proudest moment.
Moving to Provo has been great. I like living on my own and doing what I want, when I want. I love my internship. My ward and the people I've met there are nice. But until this weekend, I hadn't realized just how stressed I am.
See, being on my own has been good and bad. It's made me more responsible. I've become more thrifty. I've been able to prove myself, in a way. But it's been really hard being stuck alone with my thoughts all the time. I'm about halfway through my internship and I have no idea what I'm going to do after. That scares me. I don't know how I'm going to support myself. I don't know what kind of jobs to apply for. So then I stay up late with my heart pounding and my thoughts running in circles, and I scour the job boards. My life seems to start collapsing in around me and I can't see where my place in this world is going to be. It's scary.
These thoughts got even worse when I went home for the holiday. I was surrounded by my family, people that I love, and all I could think about was what a gigantic failure I am. I feel like I've been faking success up until now and that if I don't get a job quickly after my internship, everyone will finally see through my facade. They'll too realize that I'm a failure. That I'm worried. That I have doubts. That I'm afraid. My meltdown let people see that side to me a lot sooner than I'd been mentally prepared for. My confident exterior had cracked and I felt completely defeated.
Driving home that night back to Provo, back to another week alone in my apartment, I blared music loud to try and shut out my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to keep burying myself and my problems. I kept trying to tell myself I was fine. But as I sang along with the radio, tears blurred the road and my voice cracked.
I can't keep doing this. I can't keep feeling this way. I need to get out of my head. Out of the house. When was the last time I did anything for fun?
I couldn't think of a time in the past couple weeks that I did something that actually made me happy. Instead, everything I did made me feel guilty.
You should be looking for a job, I'd think as I washed the dishes.
You should be working on your books, I'd think as I cooked dinner.
You shouldn't be spending money on that. Your bank account's getting low, I'd think as I bought groceries.
This guilt and the ridiculous standards I was holding myself to were going to kill me. I couldn't keep feeling guilty about everything that brought me a little bit of happiness. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to not feel like a failure.
So on the drive home, I made a list of all the fun things I could do. Drive to Draper and visit the aquarium. Go see a movie in the theater. Get an ice cream cone at the BYU creamery. Visit my friends and have lunch. Go the mall and buy myself something from Bath & Body Works.
But when I got back home to my apartment, I felt discouraged. My guilt was rooted in real issues I'm facing--the plummeting number in my savings account, the lack of a plan after August, and the neglect of my goals. My problems wouldn't just go away because I went to the aquarium or got some ice cream.
With this mix of emotions creating a volatile cocktail in my blood, I turned on my computer and opened YouTube. That's a skill I could put on my resume--Great at avoiding her feelings and problems by surfing the internet. One of my recommended videos caught my eye and I decided to click on it. This was the video.
Now, don't tell me that at the chorus you didn't find yourself swaying along with the drunken customers? And don't tell me you didn't laugh your a** off when the wife started singing about her cunning little husband. Cause I did. And after I did, I felt a lot better. My problems were still there. But I felt lighter. And I realized, sadly, that I hadn't laughed for real in a long, long time. It was magic.
That's when I decided I'm going to let myself be happy. I love Broadway shows and musicals, but didn't let myself watch them because they're "a waste of time." Not anymore. If I feel like watching that Les Mis clip three times a day for the rest of my life, I'm going to do it because it makes me happy. If I want to make brownies, I'm going to do it, because it makes me happy. If I want to have a Friends marathon, I'm going to do it, why? Because it makes me happy.
My problems are going to be there whether I'm obsessing and miserable about them or not. So I might as well obsess and find happiness where I can.
Now that I've let myself feel some happiness, things are getting better. But I still worry. And I still have no clue what's going to happen at the end of August. However, I've found that despite the worry and the fear, there are little pockets of sunshine that get me through the darkness. My pockets of sunshine are juggling. Playing the piano. Reading a book for fun. And I've discovered something weird.
As I've let myself be happy, I've become more motivated to write. I decided to update this blog. I cleaned up my apartment. I did my dishes. Allowing myself to be happy has done more to improve my desire to reach my goals than all my guilt-tripping ever did.
So, my advice is to let yourself be happy. Watch that funny YouTube video. Take 5 minutes away from homework to play the guitar. Call up a friend and chat. The dishes will wait. The worrying will wait. Your problems will wait. But they're a lot less scary when faced with happiness in your heart.
I've been on this YouTube kick lately and I've started to watch a lot of vloggers. For those who might not know a vlogger is someone who vlogs, or video blogs. Rather than writing their musings or their daily lives on a "brick-and-mortar" blog like this, they record themselves and their thoughts or their day with a camera. There are TONS of vloggers out there. Some of my favorites include the Shaytards, Colleen Ballinger, Joshua DTV, Chris Ballinger, Miss Fenderr, Zoella, Joey Graceffa, Tyler Oakley . . . The list could literally go on. For many of the people I listed, vlogging and creating content for YouTube is their full-time job. Recording their lives and sharing it with others is how they pay the bills.
I was just watching one of these vlogs and couldn't help but wonder, why are vloggers so popular?
I have a theory: Our society has become more and more dependent on the internet to fulfill social needs, which explains why vloggers are so popular. I would guess that for most people, a lot of their relationships have some sort of tie to the virtual world. We connect more with people through a digital medium (FaceBook, Twitter, YouTube, texting, Tumblr, etc) than we do face-to-face. We spend so much time in the virtual world, that it's kind of cool and refreshing to see other people living their lives and to feel like we have a connection to them. We can feel like we've made a new best friend who does really awesome stuff (like going to Disneyland , or visiting Hawaii, or goes on the Ellen Degeneres show, or tell really awesome stories). These are real people with real lives and families just being themselves, and it's easy to feel a connection to them.
And then there's mukbang. Mukbang is a phenomenon happening in South Korea. Basically, men and women film themselves eating meals live and thousands (yes, I said THOUSANDS) of people watch. Through these websites viewers can send in "balloons" which then translate into money. For those who are more successful, mukbang becomes their full-time job. They are paid to eat food on camera. (Here's a news report on mukbang and also a reaction video if you want to learn more.)
I think mukbang works off the same sort of principal as vlogging--it helps people feel connected to someone else. In South Korea especially, many people live alone. They have long work days and come home to an empty apartment. Watching the mukbang, I imagine, helps the apartment come to life and seem less lonely.
My opinion is that these kind of relationships can be good to a certain extent. Real relationships can be formed online or through social media. Real friends and real memories can be made. Sometimes these virtual connections can help build in-person relationships. For example, Allison and I watch a lot of the same vloggers on YouTube, which gives us things to talk about when we're together. But, I think it's important not to let digital connections be the only type of relationships we have with people. It's important to spend time with those who are physically around us--not just those who we can only see or connect with through a screen. Because when we turn the computer off, or when the power goes out, or when our car runs out of gas on the highway, we're going to have to depend on the relationships we've formed with those who are around us for help.
Anyway, these are just my musings on the subject. Just a little food for thought!
