Giving Up

Hi all! It's been a while since I wrote a blog post. . . A long, long while actually. 8 months. Yikes!

Life has been crazy. I'm in grad school now and also working and teaching. It's been fun, but also very difficult. This week is Thanksgiving Break, however, so I'm using the time to catch up on schoolwork and also get some writing done. Which is why you're getting this blog post finally!

I've had a few ideas of what to write about over the past 8 months, but can I be honest? This blog has kind of turned into me sharing gospel lessons that I learn or that are on my mind. And for the past little while, my heart hasn't been in the gospel. I think part of it was me getting busy, but another part was me wanting to give up. So, I've been slowly running away from God for a while and am now slowly trying to get my heart back in the right place.

That might be surprising for a lot of people reading this to hear. But, I think about giving up A LOT--giving up the gospel, giving up at school, giving up at work, sometimes even giving up living altogether. Because sometimes life and how hard and unfair and daunting and unpredictable it just gets me feeling hopeless and discouraged. So I just want to run away. Burn all my bridges. Start over. Or just stop completely.

A lot of times, giving up seems like a very efficient solution to all my problems.

But, even though I've been running from God, He still hasn't given up on me. And so, despite wanting to give up and go live under a rock where I can never fail or feel ever again, I keep trying because God gives me encouragement (and sometimes chastisement) when I feel like quitting.

A few weeks ago I was feeling particularly low. It was a Sunday and I was in sacrament meeting thinking about all the things I needed to get done that week, all the things I wished I could do instead, and just generally feeling sorry for myself. So, I pulled out my phone, opened up the Gospel Library app, and searched "giving up." I was hoping to find something to encourage me not to abandon all my responsibilities. Instead, what I found surprised me.

There were a few results that referenced giving up the way I was looking for:

"Never give up--however deep the wounds of your soul, whatever their source, wherever or whenever they happen, and however short or long they persist. . . "--Neil L. Andersen

"If you are tempted to give up: Stay yet a little longer. There is room for you here."--Dieter F. Uchtdorf

But, the overwhelming majority of the search results were about a different kind of giving up.

". . . Yea, what shall I do that I may be born of God, having this wicked spirit rooted out of my breast, and receive his Spirit, that I may be filled with joy, that I May not be cast off at the last day? Behold, said he, I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy."--Alma 22:15

"Conversion includes a conscious decision to give up one’s former ways and change to become a disciple of Christ."--Conversion

“… After his mortal ministry, Christ elevated the law of sacrifice to a new level. … Instead of the Lord requiring a person’s animal or grain, now the Lord wants us to give up all that is ungodly. This is a higher practice of the law of sacrifice; it reaches into the inner soul of a person.”--Old Testament Gospel Doctrine Teacher's Manual

"We all have to give up something in order to accept the gospel of Jesus Christ--whether that be bad habits, incorrect beliefs, unwholesome associations, or something else."--Come, Follow Me

I realized that the Lord has a different idea/definition of giving up that's prevalent in the scriptures and throughout the gospel. God wants us to give up. He wants us to give up those things that separate us from Him and keep us from becoming like Him. He wants us to give up the natural man and let Him make us something holy.
He wants us to give up our struggles, sorrows, grief, and burdens to Him. Because He knows this is the only way we can be healed and sanctified.

God and Satan both want us to give up, but they want it in very different ways. Satan's giving up is steeped in discouragement, doubt, and fear. God's giving up is centered on faith in Jesus Christ, hope through the Atonement, and love. But, as in all things, we get to choose who we'll follow and believe when it comes to giving up.

I don't think I'm the only person who has given into and still struggles with Satan's way of giving up. But, ever since I realized and recognized that there are two ways to think about giving up--Satan's or God's--I've been able to confront the desire I have to give up in a new way. Whenever I feel myself being tempted to give up out of fear or stress or worry, I now think that maybe I'd be happier if I gave God's way of giving up a try.

That's partly why I'm writing this blog post. This is my attempt at starting to change and return to God. To give up in God's way.

It's my hope that this post can help others who may want to give up in the wrong way. Try giving your hurt, pain, anger, sins, fear, doubt--whatever is making you want to run away--to God. That's what I want to start doing. I think I'll be happier and find more peace and joy that way. If those are things you feel like you need more of in your life too, give it a try with me.

Thanks for reading! I'm trying to get back into writing for fun again, so more blog posts may be coming. We'll see.

Have a great week and a Happy Thanksgiving!

Lots, Life, and Lessons

Hey guys! I hope 2018 is treating you well so far.

Life for me has been pretty good, I'd say. At the beginning of January, I started working at George Washington High School. So far, I'm really enjoying the kids there and my co-workers. I finished my application for Weber State's MA program and now just get to play the waiting game. My friends and I were spontaneous and decided to go see the Backstreet Boys in Las Vegas during President's Day weekend, which was a blast! And then, I've been writing and reading a ton too. Overall, I just feel like I'm in a pretty good place in life right now.

For the past year, my life seemed to be in constant motion with a million changes and personal struggles always swirling around or looming over me. I felt like my head was always underwater and I was constantly struggling to get a breath. But now that I have a plan for the future and a stable situation in the present, I can finally breathe again. The storm clouds have dissipated for the moment. I'm surrounded by clear, blue sky and am feeling really good.

With this calm and contentedness, my thoughts have turned a lot to the future and the past. As I've thought and reflected on a few things, I felt like I wanted to share what I've learned here on the blog. So, here we go!

LOT'S WIFE

In church last Sunday, we had a lesson about Lot's wife. It's a well-known story. Lot and his family are told to leave the city of Sodom because it's going to be destroyed. They're told not to look back, but Lot's wife does and she's turned into a pillar of salt.

Ouch.

In this lesson, my friend Melissa shared a talk by Elder Holland called "Remember Lot's Wife: Faith Is For the Future." Something that stuck out to me during the lesson was that phrase: "Faith is for the future." So, when I went home and decided to read the talk, I was excited to see that phrase was actually in the title! What are the odds?

I think the reason this phrase stuck out to me so much is that I've been kind of nervous about my future. As excited as I am to go to grad school, it's still a scary prospect to me. The week before this lesson, I kept wondering if I was doing the right thing by going back to school. I wondered if I've got what it takes to succeed in a rigorous Master's Program, not to mention my ambitious plans for afterward. I was afraid.

(P.S. Anyone else notice how often I get hung up by fear on this blog? You think the Lord's trying to teach me something about "be[ing] not afraid" and "only believe[ing]?" lol)

After speaking about some of the reasons Lot's wife may have looked back, Elder Holland shares this insight, followed by his conclusion of why Lot's wife looked back:

"The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had."

Did you catch that?

Lot's wife didn't have faith and "she doubted the Lord's ability to give her something better than she already had."

Part of my doubts about going to grad school stem from the worry that it will all be in vain. That I'll put in all this time and effort and money into furthering my education and it won't lead me anywhere better. I worry that I'll always be underemployed and struggle finding work. I worry that a Master's degree won't change anything.

So, I asked myself, "Do I believe the Lord can give me something better than I already have? Do I believe He will?

I want to believe. I'm trying to believe. That's why I applied to grad school, despite my fears. I'm taking steps into the dark, believing that it will all pay off somehow. That the Lord will lead me somewhere better than I am right now, as long as I don't become afraid and turn back, like Lot's wife. Instead, I want to be filled with faith and . . .

Don't you just love Meet the Robinsons?

LOTS IN LIFE

In my Book of Mormon reading, I'm in Alma. I'm at the part that's probably every missionary's favorite: Ammon and King Lamoni. Ammon was the OG missionary who undoubtedly had the coolest stories to write home to his family on p-day. Cuttin' off arms, preaching with power, and converting a King and his people--what's not to like?

And me, I like it just fine. Reading about Ammon always takes me back to my own days as a missionary. I remember receiving training in a Zone Meeting about how to be a better missionary by studying how Ammon taught King Lamoni. I remember highlighting all the verses and thinking how cool Ammon was and how much faith he had to have to receive the kind of miracles he saw.

But . . .

I never felt like an Ammon on my mission. In fact, as I was reading about Ammon, a lot of old feelings of inadequacy and guilt resurfaced. The truth is, both while on my mission and since returning home, I wondered if I was a good missionary. I didn't see many baptisms. I didn't have a lot of success converting people. A lot of times I would think "What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why aren't I seeing more success?" I felt bad for my companions, being stuck with someone like me, a black hole.

So, the other night, I was reading Alma 20. All the arm cutting is over. Ammon has taught and testified with the Spirit. King Lamoni and his people are converted (well, most of them). And in chapter 20, the Lord calls Ammon to go to Middoni where his brethren have been cast into prison for preaching. They, obviously, hadn't had the same success as Ammon did. I could relate.

As I read the chapter, nothing really stuck out to me or struck me until the very end, where Ammon's brethren are finally freed. They look like they've been through hell, but verse 29 says "nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings."

My heart stirred.

And then I read the first sentence of the last verse, verse 30. "And, as it happened, it was their lot to have fallen into the hands of a more hardened and a more stiff-necked people."

It was their lot. . .

Having had "Lot" on the brain, this caught my attention. So, I decided to string together the two sentences that had stood out to me.

"It was their lot . . . nevertheless they were patient in all their sufferings."

I thought back to my mission. What was my "lot" on my mission? Maybe my lot wasn't to see the immense successes that Ammon or some of the other missionaries saw. Maybe, instead, my lot was to be more like Ammon's brethren. To suffer hard things, to learn patience, to have faith that someday the miracles would come.

And the miracles eventually did come for Ammon's brethren after they left Middoni, as they pushed forward and kept preaching.

That's when it hit me. Sometimes our failures and trials aren't "because I'm a bad missionary" or "because I'm not smart enough" or "because I'm not righteous enough." Sometimes, it's simply our lot. The hand we've been dealt.

But, like Ammon's brethren, when we can't change our circumstances, we can know that the Lord is looking for how we bear our suffering more than He is looking for a certain result. A "success."

Suddenly, I didn't feel so bad about being like Ammon's brethren.

That same night, I decided to look up the word "lot" in the Bible Dictionary. It lead me to Proverbs 16:33, but I like verse 32 too. They say:

"32-He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city. 33- The lot is cast into the lap; but the whole disposing thereof is of the Lord."

What I took from those verses is this: The Lord hands out (disposes) the lots. But our reaction is what's important. It's more important than any temporal or worldly measure of success, like being mighty or conquering a city. Rather, are we being patient? Are we striving to rule our spirits? That's what the Lord is looking for, when seeing how we react to the lots he gives us.

THE LESSON

"That's a lot of 'lots,' Erin," you might be saying. Yeah, I know. Lots and lots of lots in my studies this week.

But, it's kind of perfect how they all tie together. Lot's wife didn't have faith in the future. She didn't think the Lord would lead her somewhere better than where she was coming from, so she turned back. A decision which killed her.

On the other hand, if we have faith in the future, if we believe in "good things to come" and move forward despite our doubts or worries, we gain the perspective and patience to endure whatever our trials or sufferings--our lots--may be. It's this continual journeying (which Lot's wife didn't want to do) that helps us grow and become more like Jesus Christ, who promised that "whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." (Matthew 16:25)

Whatever trials or doubts or worries you may have right now, I hope this blog post helped give you some encouragement. Have faith. Be patient. Don't lose hope in the promises we have through Jesus Christ. I'll be doing the same.

What A Year: A Review of My 2017

Goodbye, 2017!

It's been a crazy year full of ups and downs for me. Honestly, it hasn't been easy. I try and keep up a pretty brave face, but 2017 kicked my butt. I've questioned myself and God's purpose and plan for me a lot. I lost my confidence, something I'm still struggling to regain. But, I've also been humbled and in my weakness have felt God lift me up and carry me through.

All that said, I want this post to be sort of my accounting for 2017. I love looking back on my goals from last New Year's and seeing how I did before setting new goals for the coming year. So today I'm going to share some of my goals for 2017 and how I did on them. Then in another post I'll share my goals for the New Year. Let's get started!

NEW EXPERIENCES

One of my favorites goals I set for 2017 was to try something new every month. After my dad died, I felt so strongly the need to live my life to the fullest and get out of comfort zone. I hold myself back from a lot of things I want to do or try because of fear. This goal was meant to help me push past that fear and gain confidence. And it was a great goal for me! Here's the breakdown of the new things I tried each month in 2017.

January - Ate sushi for the first time.

February - Started a new job as a copywriter at Sunplay.

March- Flew a kite for the first time in YEARS.

April- Made cheesecake for the first time!

May- Entered a contest to win a trip to the Pyeongchang Olympics. I didn't win, unfortunately, but it was still fun and strangely enough gave me a much needed vision lift.

June- Learned to make curry.

July- Tried go-kart racing for the first time.

August- Started volunteering as a piano player at Ogden Regional.

September- Submitted an article to the Ensign magazine. Also, went to my first REAL game.

October- Was hired by Soompi and got my first article published. (You can check out all my articles by clicking here.)

November- Got bangs.

December- Did a Facebook live of playing the piano with my mom.

So, see! I did things this year! Even though almost nothing else went the way I was expecting in 2017, at least I can point to this list and say "But, I did get to experience a lot of new things."

READING GOAL

Another goal I met this year was my reading goal! In 2016 I set a goal to read 32 books during the year. I didn't make it in 2016, so I renewed the goal for 2017 and this year I did it! I read 32 books. A couple of the more memorable reads of the year were:

Do you have any recommendations for books I should read in 2018?

DAILY SCRIPTURE READING

One of my spiritual goals for the year was to read something from the scriptures every day. I even bought a fancy, year-long sticker chart to help me keep track. This one was kind of hit and miss. Sometimes I would just read 1 verse so I could put a sticker on my chart for the day before slipping into bed. But, hey. That's one more scripture than I would have read without the goal. Here's a look at how the chart looked after 1 year.

AND . . . MY NOT SO SUCCESSFUL GOALS . . .

Even though I'm proud of how well I did on some of my goals, there are others that did not go very well. Like my goal to attend the temple 8 times . . . I ended up going 3. I mean, that's not AWFUL, but it's far from where I want to be. Especially as someone who has a temple 10 minutes from her house and usually has plenty of free time. Improving my temple worship is definitely something I want to work on in 2018.

And then there was my goal to have a perfect Visiting Teaching record in 2017. HA! Yeah, I didn't do so great with that one either.

Then, I also had a goal to study a different topic every quarter by reviewing my college textbooks and subjects I was interested in. That didn't happen. I mean, I might have done it for the first week of 2017, but then that just fell away.

I think I might have bitten off a little more than I could chew with all my goals for 2017.

But, I will not give up on my goal-setting and achieving efforts, even if I'm not perfect. If there's anything 2017 taught me, it's the value of getting back up when you stumble or fall. I'm doing my best to stand up inside and not let my mistakes or failures or imperfections keep me down.

MOVING FORWARD

I'm going to sit down tomorrow and officially set my goals for 2018. If any of you are looking to set some goals for the new year, I highly recommend "Go for it!" by Elder Ballard. This is a talk I've loved for years and gives some great advice and thoughts about setting goals and learning how to reach those goals. Knowledge which I desperately need.

Thanks for reading this! Thank you for caring about me enough to read this and for supporting me! I hope the New Year brings you hope and happiness.

And to 2017: BYE! I won't miss you!

via GIPHY

What I Learned When My Greatest Fears Came True

When I was younger, even as much as two years ago, if you asked me what the major trials of my life were I would have struggled to come up with something. Now, I feel like the trials just keep coming one after another. And the thing is, these trials I'm facing are all the fulfillment of my greatest fears.

When I graduated from college, my greatest fear was not being able to find a full-time job--that happened.

As I grew older, my greatest fear was that one (or both) of my parents would pass away before I got married--that happened.

Each of these trials has come with a lot of different emotions. When I finished up my summer internship at Cedar Fort last year and moved back home without a job and without any prospects, I felt terrified. Every few minutes I would refresh the job boards online, knots in my stomach, and hope for something to be there. As the days wore on into weeks, and then the weeks gave way to months, my fear and stress and worries escalated. Eventually I went back to Deseret Book as a part-time employee and although I was grateful for the job, I felt embarrassed to go back to part-time, retail work after graduating. The anxiety got so bad that my hair started to fall out and I lost weight without trying simply because I felt so sick all the time.

Then at the end of November my dad collapsed and at the beginning of December he passed away. My whole world was thrown upside down. After he passed, I spent a lot of time trying not to think about what a disappointment I must have been. There was so much I wished I could have given to my dad--having he see me get a full-time job and become a "real" adult; having him see me get married; giving him grandchildren to love and dote on; etc. So many regrets. My feelings of being a failure escalated.

But during both of these trials--waiting for a full-time job and having my dad pass away--I learned and grew a lot. As my mom, sister, and I sat beside my dad's bed at the hospital every day for almost a week, I suddenly felt very grateful that I didn't have a full-time job. My co-workers at Deseret Book were great about covering my shifts and I was able to spend that time with my family, something that would have been difficult if I had that full-time job I'd been pining after for so long. Suddenly, not being offered a job in Provo right after my internship felt like a blessing because I was able to be home the night Dad collapsed and help my mom and sister. I can't imagine getting a phone call about that and then having to drive two hours back to Ogden not knowing what was happening.

Suddenly, I could see that the thing I feared most at the time--not having a full-time job--was actually a blessing in disguise. My Heavenly Father knew that my Dad was going to collapse. He knew that I would need to be home with my family. He knew I'd need to have a flexible job. As my perspective of the situation shifted, I came to know for myself that Jesus Christ really does "know the end from the beginning" (Abraham 2:8) and that His promise that "therefore my hand shall be over thee" (Abraham 2:8) were true. I felt his hand over me every day when Dad was in the hospital and every day since. The fact that He loved me enough to let my greatest fear come true in order to give me more time with my dad is a blessing I can't even measure.

Those two experiences taught me so much about Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. With them, I'd not only had to two of my greatest fears, but I came out of them alive. I was still alive, despite not having a full-time job. I still had moments of laughter and joy, even though my dad was no longer physically with me. Despite all my fear and worry about what would happen if my fears came true, I wasn't destroyed when the worst-case scenario became reality. In fact, I was growing. A lot. My faith and testimony of Jesus Christ and His gospel and the Plan of Salvation became near unshakable. My trust in Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father gave me peace and surety through my difficulties. I became a different person from the fearful, doubtful girl I was a year ago.

Which is why when a couple weeks ago I was laid off from my first full-time job only six months after starting, I didn't feel afraid. This confidence kind of surprised me, considering how nerve-wracking and stressful my job search from a year ago was. The growth and change in myself became completely apparent to me, being faced with the same worst-case scenario twice within a year, but having such a different reaction.

Still, I felt disappointed and sad losing my first full-time job. This feeling also surprised me because the job had never been a great fit for me and I'd been actively looking for another job anyway when I finally got the news I was being laid off. But, I knew where to turn for comfort and direction facing this new obstacle.

I climbed into bed and pulled out my scriptures. My goal was to read 1 chapter from the Book of Mormon every day and at that time I was in Jacob 5, which is the SUPER long chapter (6-ish pages and 70-something verses) about the tame and wild olive trees. That night, that's the last thing I felt like reading. So instead I closed my eyes, flipped through the pages of my Book of Mormon a few times, and randomly turned to a chapter to read that night.

The chapter I turned to was Mosiah 24. A few words in the header, summarizing the chapter, immediately caught my attention. It said, "The Lord makes their burdens seem light."

I realized that this was the chapter where Alma and his people are in bondage and being persecuted by Amulon. The scriptures say that "So great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God," at which point Amulon declares that "whosoever should be found calling upon God should be put to death." In response to this threat, the people don't stop praying, but they pray in their hearts to God.

As I read this chapter about the persecution of Alma and his people, I thought about my own situation. Being without a job is would be a burden. Which is why the Lord's reply to the people of Alma's prayers caught my attention:

"And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I , the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."

The words on the page began to blur together as tears filled my eyes. In that moment, I knew God was speaking to me. I knew that everything would be okay. Although being without an income would be hard, the Lord was promising me that he would ease my burden. And the last bit of the verse was what he wanted me to do in the meantime. Stand as a witness of Him.

That's what spurred me to write this blog post today. Over the past year, I've had my share of difficulties and trials. But I can testify that the Lord truly does visit us in our afflictions. Now, I don't know what your afflictions are. But I do know that whatever you're going through, whatever your greatest fear might be, the Lord will uplift and strengthen you if you turn to Him. Study the scriptures as you seek answers. Pray to Him. Study the scriptures and seek answers and direction. He's there! He will answer and help us as we seek Him.

I hope you all have a great week. I'm actually off to an interview for a job with Deseret Book, but this time in their corporate offices. Wish me luck!

Lessons From A Naughty First Grader

My sister Allison teaches first grade and this year she has quite a naughty class. Every day when she comes home from work I ask how it was and how naughty the kids were. Usually she has several stories to share that makes me shake my head in disbelief.

One student in particular--let's call him Jay--is very naughty, but also has his very sweet moments. Over the past year it's become apparent that Jay is kind-hearted, but he has trouble controlling himself.

The other day Allison told me something Jay had said. During the school year he had ripped up his journal and now that school is almost out, the other kids are getting to take their journals home. Seeing what he had missed out on by ripping up his journal,Jay told Allison, "I hope I don't rip up my journal next year in second grade."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes and said, "He hopes he doesn't rip up his journal? You're in charge of yourself, dude! Nobody's going to make you rip it up."

Well today I sat in church thinking about my week and feeling disappointed in myself. I've fallen back into some bad habits and felt really discouraged with the lack of progress in my life. Why do I keep doing this? I thought. Why can't I seem to change? I wish I could change.

Then Jay came to my mind and it clicked. I was thinking the exact same way he was and coming up with the same excuse. I keep hoping to change; hoping to overcome my bad habits; hoping to achieve my goals; etc. But what am I doing to make those changes happen? When temptation to fall back into old patterns come along, do I resist or do I give in? Do I take responsibility for my actions and learn from my mistakes or do I distance myself from responsibility by thinking, This is just how I am. I hope someday it will change.

I need to take more responsibility for myself and my actions (or inactions). I need to look in the mirror anytime I find myself thinking I hope this happens to me or, I hope someday I'll achieve this dream will come true and say, "You're in charge of yourself, dude!" If I really want to change my habits or if I really want something to happen in my life, I need to do my part to make it happen.

This week I'm going to make things happen to become the person I want to be and I hope this has somehow inspired you to try a little harder to be a little better too. Let's make this week great!

A Few Midnight Memories of My Papa

It's 1 a.m. on a Thursday night (or technically Friday morning). We're coming up on 5 months since Dad died. It's so surreal to think about. But tonight I was working on a scene in one of my books and the scene sparked a memory. So I wanted to share and remember.

I don't remember how old I was. Probably 6 or 7. I'd been playing outside and somehow got a splinter on the heel of my foot. It hurt. So, of course I went to my parents. Mom and Dad got out the tweezers and sat me down in a kitchen chair. They tried to pull the splinter out, but it hurt, so I cried and screamed and refused to let them touch it any further. I was a stubborn child, so eventually they let me go to bed with the splinter still in.

After I'd gone to bed and was almost asleep, I remember my Dad quietly entering my room. He knelt by my bed and lightly slipped my injured foot out from beneath the covers and went to work with a flashlight to get the splinter out. I drifted off to sleep and don't think I was awake when he finally got it.

I actually wrote that memory into the scene I'm working on. Who knows if it will actually make it through editing, but at least I've got it memorialized here on the blog if it doesn't.

Then a few days ago I cleaned up my desk and took a picture. I like to share the evolution of my desk on social media. So I shared this picture on Instagram tonight.

On the far right you'll see a candy bowl with my Dad's name on it. I made that for him when he got his new job at Draper City. It was supposed to look kind of Doctor Who-ish and spacey. I used glow in the dark paint for the stars. But I told him that I was giving him a candy bowl so that everyone would want to come visit his office.

Then, you'll also see a Tardis and the 11th Doctor. So that Tardis belonged to my Dad too. When we went to Las Vegas a couple years ago as a family we went to TV City and watched a pilot episode. As part of our compensation for doing that, we were given a fifteen dollar gift certificate to their gift shop. That Tardis is what my Dad chose to buy with his gift certificate. He took it to work and kept it on his desk there.

So I gave him the 11th Doctor as a present to go with his Tardis. He never took it to work. I think it actually stayed in his closet. He was probably too embarrassed to have something like that up. Haha.

But after he died, that candy bowl, the Tardis, and the Doctor were the only things of his I really wanted. And now they live on my desk as a reminder and almost a tribute to him.

Anyway, those were just a few memories and thoughts I figured I could share tonight. Little stories like these mean a lot to me, because it's little moments that made me love my dad so much.

Enjoy the little moments with those you love this week!

It's Okay To Not Be Okay

With all my family and I have been going through the past couple months, a lot of people will ask "How are you guys doing?"

Most of the time my answer is the same. "It depends on the day." Sometimes it depends on the hour. On the minute.

A couple of weeks ago I came home from work exhausted. Work had been fine. I'd enjoyed a good day with good coworkers and customers. But I just felt sad. It was a couple days after the one month anniversary of my dads death. It was also a week after the New Year had been rung in and the festivities died down. Thoughts of how I was going to survive the coming year filled my head. One month had gone by fast in some ways and agonizingly slow in others. And, fast or slow, realizing I'd been one month without my dad sucked.

As I climbed in to bed that night, I pulled out my scriptures and got ready to read. One of my New Year's Resolutions is to read my scriptures every single day in 2017. There's a fancy little sticker chart on my wall dedicated to the effort. And so far, I've done a good job.

But that night, I just wasn't feeling it. I tried to read the scriptures for the upcoming Gospel Doctrine lesson, but the words my eyes were skimming over wouldn't stick. My mind kept wandering back to dad. One month without him. A million months more to go.

Finally, after one verse, I closed my scriptures, curled up in a ball, and placed my head on my pillow. Instead of fighting them, I let myself feel the emotions that were muddling my mind. Ever since I was a child I've learned about God's plan of happiness for His children. And I believe in that plan. My mind knew where dad was, that I would see him again. But the knowledge didn't dim the ache in my heart or stop my thoughts from racing ahead to the future where my dad would be absent. All that he would miss. All that I never got to give him. Getting my first full-time job, buying a house, getting married, having children.

I keep a scripture study journal to record my thoughts and impressions as I read. That night I wrote, "Lord, this is all I have to offer you tonight--a girl who's sad & missing her dad."

Still, I didn't want to give up on my scripture study. I didn't have much to offer the Lord, but maybe he would have something to offer me. So I opened up my scriptures again and continued on reading the suggested verses for Sunday School. These were the verses.

Doctrine & Covenants 93:33

Alma 11:43-44

Doctrine & Covenants 76: 50-70 (But specifically verse 63)

The Spirit filled my heart and quickened my mind as I read these verses. Not only did I understand that what I'd been experiencing was part of Gods plan, but I felt the truthfulness of it. The beauty of it. That last verse, Doctrine & Covenants 76:63, especially struck me. I imagined the Second Coming of the Savior, and envisioned not only my dad, but my Grandma's and Grandpa's as angels sent to herald in that awesome moment.

Suddenly, a specific painting came to mind. One I never really paid attention to or liked all that much,to be honest. But after studying those scriptures, this painting took on a whole new meaning. It meant hope. It meant happiness. It meant a day I could look forward to seeing my dad, perfect and healthy and happy.

This is The Second Coming by Harry Anderson. The next day I bought a copy from work and hung it next to my desk. It's become a reminder to me of the hope the Atonement and the plan of salvation bring. I like to imagine my dad will be one of those blowing the horn, sounding the trumpets to let the world know the Savior's returned.

Here is what I learned that night:

It's okay to not be okay.

That night, I felt sad and broken and lonely. I didn't have any hope or happiness or enthusiasm to give the Lord. No positive quote to post to Facebook or happy thought to tweet out. But as I took a moment to be still and let myself experience my emotions, I felt relief. Then I was able to go on and have an amazing scripture study experience that gave me exactly what I needed.

In this age of social media, when every one shares the best parts of their lives, it's easy to feel that there is something wrong with us when we don't feel happy. We shy away from any negative emotion, sometimes going so far as to pretend they don't exist. We may feel like sadness is a sign we don't have enough faith, or that we have done something wrong. I know I've felt that way on more than one occasion.

But I've come to realize that feeling sad is a part of life. An important part. We can't go through life expecting to enjoy only highs and believing that lows are Gods form of punishment. Pain, regret, sorrow, sadness--all are vital parts of our mortal experience. We don't have to shy away, or close off, or ignore these feelings.

Jesus Christ himself was "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief." (Isaiah 53:3) He doesn't expect us to feel "up" all the time by pushing away negative feelings and replacing them with fake optimism or happiness. In fact, ignoring or pushing away the sadness, disappointment, and heartache life will inevitably bring, will limit the Savior's ability to help us. It is an act of faith to let ourselves experience these emotions, trusting that the Lord will fulfill his promise to "succor his people according to their infirmities." (Alma 7:12)

I'll repeat that:

It is an act of faith to let ourselves experience these emotions, trusting that the Lord will fulfill his promise to "succor his people according to their infirmities."

Remember the movie Inside Out and the lesson Riley learns at the end?

Sadness serves a purpose in helping us make it through the difficult times in life.



It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to have moments when you feel broken and tired. I can testify that it is in those moments we truly feel the Lord's love and comfort. It's also in these moments that we grow and become stronger.

Don't run away from the unpleasant moments and feelings in your life. Rather, I hope that in such moments all of us will run to the Savior.